To be vulnerable means to expose yourself to the possibility of being attacked or harmed physically or emotionally. Most of the time, it goes wrong. And we learn to avoid situations where we are vulnerable. For example, when you were six, learning to ride a bike and you didn’t wear your knee guards, you left your knees vulnerable to injuries should you fall. It only took one fall for you to learn to wear your guards and protect your knees from scratches and bruises. That was a lesson in vulnerability that you had to learn to protect yourself physically. But sometimes we learn lessons on vulnerability with emotional protection. Think about that one time you told someone you loved them or you were falling for them and they backed away and told you not too. From that day on, you learned to hesitate before stating your feelings for someone, waiting for the moment that they will be able to accept it.
But now think about the few times being vulnerable worked in your favor. The time I asked one of the best dancers for a dance, risking embarrassment and rejection and instead of being turned away, he said yes! Or even just starting to dance is such a vulnerable thing we put ourselves through. Any sport where you have to perform in front of others is a risk in vulnerability, and even though we lose a lot and mess up a lot; the act of being brave and trying leaves us with no better feeling. There is no better cure for our self esteem than to do something in spite of our fear. Starting this blog was a huge step for me in overcoming my vulnerability. I used to only show a couple people a year my writing and I was even nervous about that. And now, people can read my writing outside of my control. That concept is absolutely terrifying, even if only a couple a year read it who choose to read it.
Being vulnerable is the key to truly loving who you are, finding joy and experiencing real intimate relationships. According to this website, https://www.girlfriendcircles.com/blog/index.php/2014/10/5-types-of-vulnerability-its-way-more-than-skeletons-in-your-closet, there are five different types of vulnerability. The first on is new ways of interacting. This is inviting friends to a paint class or going to a writing group or even going on a first date in years after your divorce. The second type is new areas of conversation. We tend to put people in conversation boxes. I speak with Joe about motorcycles. I speak to pastor about Jesus. I speak to Christina about traveling. But what if we switched this up? Talk to your pastor about traveling, talk to joe about Jesus and motorcyles with Christina. Sometimes people wont know anything and sometimes you’ll learn something. The third type is areas of shame and insecurity. I think this is what we typically associate with being vulnerable. But think about those things that have happened to you or that you’ve done that you’ve never told anyone for fear of what people will think and try to talk about them with someone that you trust. There is healing and forgiveness in being vulnerable. The fourth type is sort of an odd one and I’m not sure if I agree with it but perhaps you will understand. The fourth one deals with being afraid to speak about your accomplishments or achievements for fear that you will come off as arrogant or that you wont fit in.
The fifth one and most definitely the one that I struggle with is: asking for what you prefer or need. I am so terrible and afraid of doing this. I’m afraid it will push people away and that what I need is too much to ask of people. I’m afraid that they will think I’m weird or not understand. And because of that, I mostly just don’t ask for what I need. It’s so much easier to stay quiet than to figure out the right time and how to word it. For example, I need a lot of alone time. Even though I consider myself a social extrovert. I require time to research, read, write and play calming video games like Minecraft. If I don’t get that alone time, I turn into the grouchiest person you will ever meet. I suddenly hate everyone and everything irritates me. But I often ignore that need because I don’t want my friends/significant other to think I’m weird or antisocial for needing time away from them. I worry that they think I don’t like them or don’t want to see them and because I value those relationships more than I do my own happiness; I push myself way past my breaking point of alone time needed. I wish I didn’t need it. I often think if I push myself maybe I can grow out of it but that doesn’t look promising. So, I need to figure out a way to be vulnerable and tell people what I need and hope that they understand and listen.
I also can’t stand conversations that don’t have any substance. If you text me, “wyd” or “good morning,” I’m instantly irritated. Don’t message me that. Now I have to take the time out of something I’m focused on to reply back “nothing” or “morning” so that you don’t think I hate you or am ignoring you. Because I don’t want to ignore you. On some level I value the friendship but if you aren’t saying anything to me that has substance or a purpose, it’s highly likely I just won’t respond. But this is an odd thing to need or prefer and to voice it comes off as rude. Like how do you tell someone whining that you don’t respond to them that they need to be more interesting without hurting their feelings even more?
These are just two examples that I know hold me back from being close to someone since I’m too scared or worried to voice what I need unless they give it to me naturally. But I challenge you to think about the ways that you could be more vulnerable and try to act on them, even if they are small. Start small and move towards breaking what is preventing you from having true joy and intimacy.
Also watch the documentary on Netflix titled Brene Brown about vulnerability. It inspired me to write this blog and I think you will find it interesting.
Closed System 