What do I mean by control? When you are in a relationship or talking to someone or dating someone whatever the title is, and things are going great and then all of a sudden the other person tries to impact your interaction with your family, friends and your hobbies. For example, one night early on in the relationship you go out dancing with your girlfriends and you get a text message from your current love interest that says “Video chat me when youre home so I know you’re safe and didn’t go home with anyone *sticks out tongue emoji* *kissy emoji* lol.” And if you’re like me, you instantly have this thought. Fuck you I’ll take someone home if I fucking want to, we aren’t official and you don’t own me. Ok, calm down you rebellious psycho, I might think trying to reason with myself. So I have a second thought. Ok it’s actually sort of sweet that he’s worried about me and honestly I would like to video chat with him because I’ve really enjoyed our chats so far. So I respond, “Of course I’d love to chat with you later!” and you put away the phone and continue chatting with girls in the bathroom or continue dancing.
But then 2 hours later, it’s 3am and you find yourself waltzing in the dining room of Waffle House because we are dancers and we will literally dance anywhere. But while you’re dancing, you miss three of his calls and you don’t respond quickly enough to his message saying “Are you ok? I’m getting worried.” After sitting down you’re laughing and the waitress is placing your waffles on the table so you return his call. “Hey!!! Yes I’m fine! I’m at waffle house!!” You say excitedly. He’s quiet. “Why are you so out of breathe?” He asks. You laugh. “Oh, Kaitlyn and I were just dancing in the dining room at waffle house! We had to cuz a waltz came on!” He’s quiet for another moment. Yes can I have some more salsa please. You say to the waitress. You turn your attention back to the conversation on the phone. He hasn’t said anything. “Are you ok?” Finally you notice he’s acting different. He responds quickly. “Yes, just call me when you get home.” And he hangs up.
Fast forward three months down the line. You no longer dance. You no longer go out with your friends. And the only time you do go out is with him to maybe see a movie. Maybe he’s not that bad. Maybe he still lets you go dance but he has to be there with you and he has to see you within a certain amount of songs. Or maybe he doesn’t let you dance with other guys at all. Even the gay ones. Because you know, you’re just so hot, you’d turn them. Ok I’m harping a little on dancing but it’s a major hobby of mine and the minute someone tries to control it. I have a red flag going off. I love dancing. And if you truly loved me or were interested in me then you wouldn’t get in the way of it. And you wouldn’t because you have a self esteem that is better than a thirteen year old girl worried that her breasts aren’t going to come in.
Obviously, I escalated this example but that’s because it’s not that far from a relationship that we have ALL experienced. I have literally never met anyone that hasn’t complained about being in a previous relationship where the other person got controlling. And it always escalates because they start out small. They start with a small stream of control flowing down from the mountains but over time, this small stream erodes your solid ground and turns into a raging river. But you’re okay with the river now. You convince yourself that it’s out of concern or love. They wouldn’t ask so much of you or worry about losing you so much if they didn’t really love you. And then after some more time, you look back at the river and it’s turned into the fucking Grand Canyon. Somehow, they managed to carve a huge hole out of your life and you don’t even recognize yourself or your personality anymore.
I’ve had a relationship that carved a Grand Canyon into me and it was hard to climb back out. I’m still climbing to be honest. I don’t regret the Grand Canyon; it made me stronger because I had to force myself to climb out and figure out who I really was. And in that process, I learned that I shouldn’t tolerate a stream of control. I shouldn’t even tolerate the first drop of control. Because control and manipulation is NOT an expression of love or interest. Let me repeat that. It is NOT AN EXPRESSION OF LOVE!!!
How is love expressed? It depends on the person but the prevailing idea is associated with Gary Chapman’s book titled The five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. I link explaining the five languages in better detail will be included below this article but to summarize. Chapman says that humans express love in five distinct ways. We might have one or two that we use dominantly and the others we use rarely. They are gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time and physical touch. When we buy that tshirt for our Dad, we are expressing the gifts love language. When we watch our friends cat over the weekend, we are expressing acts of service. When we tell our mom that she looks beautiful today, we are expressing words of affirmation. When we set aside date night with our boyfriend we are expressing quality time and last but not least when our friend is crying and without saying anything, we wrap our arms around them and pull them in for a hug; we are expressing physical touch. Sometimes we use more than one at a time but note; not any one of those languages is there embedded “control your partner because you’re afraid of losing them.”
But control in a relationship is often seen as an expression of love because it’s disguised under protection or glossed over because they say something like “well I’ve been cheated on a lot in my past so I have trust issues.” And because you love them, you don’t want to give them a reason not to trust you, so you accommodate their pettiness by meeting their relationship demands. Do not validate their insecurities by compromising yourself.
So if control and manipulation isn’t an expression of love, then what is it? Why is it so bad if it’s disguised under protection? A controlling person is the single most petrifying sign in a relationship because it is actually an expression of a lot more hidden things that that person is dealing with. Which include but are not limited too; deeply embedded insecurities, emotional imbalances, an inability to love themselves or an unhealthy desire for perfection. These issues corrode a relationship and it has nothing to do with you, except that your presence in their lives feeds their ego and they want to keep from losing you because they know that their ego wouldn’t be able to handle it. You are a projection of what they value and their self esteem believes they lack. If they can hold onto you. If you are theirs then they have this thing that they desperately want to have themselves. The ironic part is that they will tear down the part of you that they value and want themselves because they are that controlled by their ego and jealousy. If they value beauty and they think they are ugly. They will pick that one imperfection you have and harp on it every day until you no longer think you’re beautiful and you are theirs to control. If you have a great family, and their family is shit, they will point out every flaw within your family so that you separate yourself from them and then guess what, they control you. Is this starting to make sense?
We equate relationships and love so much with control that some of us are afraid to be in them. I never try to control anyone. And I especially don’t try to control someone I love. I don’t ask you to text me every two hours. I don’t make you feel bad for doing something without me. I don’t set a time limit for a relationship to progress and I won’t even ask you to be with just me.
Because the thing about people is that the less control you try to place on them the more you see how they truly are because they don’t feel the need to hide or lie to you. And the more honest that they are with you, the more you’ll understand them and appreciate them for everything that they are. The good and the bad. Let go of any control you think you have over your partner and let them be who they are. Because you don’t have that control. It’s just an illusion. That’s why people get so upset when they get cheated on. And they lose all ability to trust people. Please. You lost trust in yourself to be able to control people. So now you’re afraid. You can’t control anyone, no matter how much you want to. So let it go. And love people for who they are.
(Disclaimer: I’m not saying get back with people who cheated on you. I’m just saying let go of the illusion that you can keep them from doing it because people do what they want. And if they do, just move on.)
Inspiration article:
The five languages of love: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Closed System 