Myself

A conversation with the part I don’t like:

“They just extended the stay at home order another month, I don’t know if I can be alone with you another month.”

“Wow you must really hate yourself.”

“I don’t hate myself. I hate you.”

“Um.. I am you. I’m literally in your mind.”

‘You’re not the real me. You’re the devil, the bad part or the negative part. I don’t know. The real me is happy, encouraging, uplifting and creative.”

“If that were true, why do I always take over when you’re alone? Why are you so afraid of yourself?”

“I’m not afraid of me. I’m afraid of you. I can’t control you. You do what you want. You say what you want. You think what you want. You feel what you want. And you’re selfish. You scare all of my friends away and then I’m left feeling lonely.”

“I do not scare them away. You do. You are the one that ruins everything by trying to be exactly what they want.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“They see you hiding me. They see you fighting hard to keep me suppressed. YOU don’t like you, so they don’t respect you. You’re so afraid of me ruining things that you ruin them before I even get the chance to.”

“That’s because if I ruin them first, then at least I stay in control.”

“You control nothing. What happens when you put a lid on boiling water?”

“It boils more.”

“That’s right. You’re trying to put a lid on yourself so people don’t see that you’re boiling. But they see it. They see the water boiling out and onto the stove, sizzling loudly and causing a mess. So they back away. If you would just take off the lid, let go of your control, let go of trying to hide me and your fear of me, I’d be able to help you.”

“This metaphor is stupid, I’m just supposed to let you boil?! What good will that do?”

“Boiled water is clean. Boiled water is safe and useful.”

“That’s great and all but I’ve been fighting you for so long, I don’t think I know how to be myself anymore.”

“Might as well try. Everyone sees through your mask anyways.”