One year ago today, my Mom died.
Grief is such an odd thing to process. A year later, I try to assess how I’m doing. But the criteria for doing so, is so subjective. Do I seem to be functioning as an adult? Mostly. Not too much different than before she died. But do I still break down because I can’t call her up and just talk to her? Yes. I try to think of friends I can trust like I did her, and everyone comes up short. Not to slight my friends, I have a lot that love me and care about me. But in comparison to how a mother loves their child, everyone else loves you under conditions. Everyone else judges you. And no one is trustworthy.
When I’m down, I try to think about what she would tell me.
“I don’t care what you did, you’re better.”
It wasn’t like I thought she was always right. Normally, I’d roll my eyes at her dismissal of my mistakes. But there was a part of me that after hearing that my mom still loved me, despite something that I did or said, helped me breathe a sigh of relief. And I’d think, did I screw up? Yes. Does my mom still love me? Yes. Alright then, fix the mistake or learn from it and now you’re good. Such a simple reminder from my mother and I’d kick myself out of my pity party and take care of business.
Now it takes longer. And it’s lonelier.
And I can’t talk about how she died because it makes people uncomfortable. There’s never a right time to bring up how your mom was murdered in new friendships. So I just don’t bring it up or I awkwardly blurt it out. And then I get mad because how she died is more interesting than who she was.
And the worst part is that the court case hasn’t even happened yet. I was recently subpoenaed which means I might give a testimony. So I find myself stuck in this limbo trying to figure out how much I’m allowed to continue to be sad about it, how much I’m still allowed to miss her or be upset about her last moments, and how much I want to remember her when she was actually herself and not talk about my mom after he changed her. I hold out for the trial to bring some closure so I feel like I need to hold on to that pain and anger until that date when she hopefully gets the justice that she deserves. But then I’m afraid that after the trial, I’ll just forget about her. I’ll lose the sadness and the reasons why I miss her. So I hope the trial never comes, and I can hold on to my grief and postpone closure. I don’t want her to be forgotten.
And while I wait, I work to appear normal and not vulnerable, because I don’t want the most interesting thing about me to be that my mom was killed. I don’t want her death to define me. I want her life, and how she loved and smiled and danced and sang to be what lives on through me.
A year later, and I still don’t know if I’m ‘handling it well.’ All I know is that I still miss her.
Closed System 