Presentation given by: John Gottman
This information is from a video given by John Grottman based on a lot of research, I merely typed it out because the video is rather long. The video and link to his website are given at the end of this article.
Research
- studied over 3,000 couples over 32 years
- videos of couples doing ordinary things
- videos of couples talking about an area of continuing disaggreement
- built an apt lab where couples hang out for 24 hours
- recorded them
- took stress measurements in blood and urine
- analyzed facial expressions
- couples of all different stages
- overtime
- some couples broke up
- some couples stayed together but were unhappy
- and some couples, their relationship got better and better and were happy
Masters – couples that stayed together, got better and better and were overall happyDisasters – couples that broke up or stayed together unhappily
What was different?
- Research allowed him to predict with over 90% accuracy who would be masters or disasters
- In fact could predict within a 15 min conversation of watching them in an area of continuing disagreement with over 65% whether or not they would divorce
The Theory
During conflict, the positive stuff (being kind, asking questions, showing empathy) and the negative stuff (crticism, hostility, hurt feelings, anger) being expressed had to be at a ratio of 5 to 1. Five times as much positive things in a conflict as negative things during conflict.Couples that wound up divorced had a ratio of 0.8 to 1.0. More negative than positive.
And if you’re just hanging out, no conflict, then the ratio has to be like 20:1.
But it’s important to remember that not all negative is bad. There has to be some to grow and to develop a need for renewed courtship.
Are some negative things worse than others?
Four horseman of the apocalypse – if these are present they are the biggest indicator that the relationship will break up.
- Criticism
- disasters – take the problem/conflict and put it inside the other person. essentially saying that the other person is the essence of the problem, a way of complaining that suggests your partner’s personality is defective, ACCUSATORY
- masters – they still complain but talk about the complaint coming from the angle of themselves, what they are feeling and what they need
- Defensive
- when met with a complaint, disasters get defensive – they respond with righteous indignation by meeting a complaint with another complaint or they play the part of the innocent victim and whine
- instead of getting defensive, masters accept responsibility, for the portion of the problem that belongs to them
- Disrespect/Contempt
- feel superior to partner, speaking from a higher plane, talking down
- they might feel cleaner, more organized, more intelligent and therefore feel like they are a better person
- disasters talk down to partner, make snobby and contemptuous comments, directly insulting , name calling
- masters – show respect, proud of the one that they love and create a culture of appreciation even for small things, communicating respect, habit of mind where they are constantly scanning the environment for things they do wrong
- Stonewalling
- no emotional vocalization or participation in conversations, withdrawal, not being heard
- disasters pull away and dont participate in conflict management
These were interesting but what are the masters doing to maintain and build intimacy?Friendship is super important and there are three ingredients to friendship and building intimacy
- Enhance love maps
- internal map that you have in your mind about partners’ inner world
- feeling that partner is interested in knowing you
- interest in one another
- what stresses them out, what excites them, what are their aspirations, values
- find out this stuff by asking questions
- OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS – not questions like planning or cleaning, more open ended that require some thought
- some do this naturally, others dont but very easy to fix
- make 50% of questions openended
- Fondness and Admiration
- communicating respect and affection in very small ways
- creating a CULTURE OF APPRECIATION – saying thank you, I respect you, I really like that you do this and doing it often
- not enough to think it, communicate it
- even for trivial things
- Bids for emotional connection and turning towards
- A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection
- we make very small and big bids to one another for attention
- for example: You are standing at the window of the apartment and you see a boat and you say “well there’s a pretty boat”
- I can give no response. Not say anything and this is called turning away – it is hurtful and damaging over time
- I can give a minimal response. By grunting in your direction or saying yeah. This is minimal but it’s still considered turning towards.
- I can turn towards in an enthusiastic way. I get up and go look and say “Wow that is a really pretty boat! would you ever want a boat like that?” This is obviously the most beneficial.
- The absolute worst would be to criticize the other person, and is the most damaging. but any kind of turning away is extremely damaging over time.
- types of bids
- simple bids – winks or smiles or nods of awareness, asking simple questions like how do I look? sharing each other’s day, responding to sighs or indications that the other isnt feeling okay,
- more complex bids – asking for advice or help, requesting favors, showing interest in accomplishments or projects that the other has put effort in, helping one another destress when they complain about being tired, responding to physical touches or when asked to be affectionate, activities together,
- if you read this article, love it and send it to your significant other to read and discuss with you, then that’s a bid too!
- It’s important to remember that a bid doesn’t require agreement, merely acknowledgment or discussion
- this is basically where love languages shows up a lot
- relationships that last turn towards one another on average, 86% of the time, relationships that dont last turn towards one another on average, 33% of the time
Even in relationships that last, 69% of problems remain unresolved – perpetual problems
Every relationship, no matter who you are with inherits their set of perpetual problems. What matters is how you deal with them together.
Disasters – get to gridlock and refuse to compromise on these problems, they often insist on changing the other person
Masters – create a dialogue around the problems, even a sense of humor and develop ways around the problems to cope
i.e. one partner is messy vs. one is organized etc.
that leaves 31% of problems as solvable
Masters maintain a sense of GENTLENESS. When presenting the problem they have a soft start up that is gentle and not accusatory and is instead a place of vulnerability and from their own sense of selfi.e. “I’ve been feeling lonely lately and I miss you, could we spend some time together soon. You really make me so happy”instead of:”you never spend any time with me, you must hate being with me!”
Accepting influence
In disagreements/arguments/conflict – both parties must be willing to accept influence from the other personmasters really listened and said things like “good point” “I like that idea” etc vs. saying no and rejecting all thoughts and influence from the other personaccording to the study – women accept influence at a high levelwhile men struggled with this a lot and the men that did accept influence: the relationships stayed together!
Closed System 