A Small Victory

I broke a bad habit last year that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do. I finally stopped biting my nails.

I’ve been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. Clinically, the problem is called onychophagia. And the cause of it ranges depending on the person. Some people bite their nails due to anxiety. I was accused of doing it for this reason but I’m not a particularly anxious person. In reality, the cause of my nail biting stems from my ADHD, not being able to sit still for long periods of time, I had to channel that energy somewhere. So I started biting my nails due to boredom and a lack of stimulation. It would help me focus and give me something to do during tasks my ADHD brain had decided were boring. Like driving, sitting in class, or a meeting and even waiting in line.

I tried a lot of things to cure me of biting my nails. I read horror stories of the dirt and grime that collects under our nails but that wouldn’t deter me long enough. I put stuff on my nails to keep me from biting them but I’d forget and eventually I’d get all the nasty stuff off and be able to bite my nails like normal. I tried some fake nails from Walmart and they helped but after a week they’d fall off and I’d go right back to the nasty habit. I suspected that if I went and got my nails professionally done, I’d be able to kick the habit because the acrylic nails would last longer and would act as a guard for my nails from my teeth.

But for several years, this idea sat in my brain and I did nothing about it because of fear and shame. You see, every time I’d look down at my hands and see them all so short and mangled, throbbing with pain, red and puffy from irritation and on the worst days I’d even make them bleed; I’d be reminded of what a failure I was. Here I was, a 28 year old woman, biting her nails like a 10 year old. I’d stare at them all mangled, determined to make them look at least somewhat normal, and I’d bite them more, only making them worse. It was a vicious cycle. But I wouldn’t go get them done because of how ashamed I was at how awful they looked.

I had built up a narrative in my head. It consisted of me going to a nail salon and the technicians seeing my nails and just laughing, seeing the worst nails that they had ever seen and then turn me away. And then it would be over, I’d be stuck with these mangled nails forever. We tend to put things off because of a fear of the outcome. If the outcome is not what we want, then we no longer have that option. But if I never went to the nail salon and I was never turned away, then going to the nail salon would still be an option. Having that ‘option’ was comforting, even if it was a fantasy.

But I’ve also read that our hands say a lot about who we are. And if that were true, looking at my hands I would have to resign myself to being a failure for the rest of my life. My hands currently told a story of someone who would self-mutilate just to keep from feeling a little bored and was too afraid to go to a nail salon.

But several months ago, I voiced this fear to someone I trust, and once I did: I laughed at myself. I instantly realized how silly I was being. The fear that was preventing me from getting my nails done and conquering my nail-biting habit, was the opinions of little old Vietnamese women. This person that I trusted told me that “they’ve seen worse nails than yours.” And this struck me. I had never even considered that my nails might not be the worst that they had ever seen.

And there in lies the ego part of this problem. My ego had staunchly placed me at the head of the charge of worst nails in history. I imagined going to the nail salon and a nail magazine doing an expose on me and how my nails got this bad. Ego just loves to put us at the helm of everything. You are the WORST at this! It shouts. Just run away and hide! Sometimes we need to thank our ego, ultimately, it’s just trying to protect us; using our fear to protect us from things we should actually be afraid of. But mostly, I find that my ego has the skill of me drunkingly playing darts. Be afraid of that! And this and that! It says with each dart, until the board is completely covered and only one or two, have managed to hit the target. Those one or two, definitely be afraid and aware of them. But the rest, take off and examine one dart at a time and ask yourself if you really should be afraid of this.

So I asked myself, should I really be afraid of being turned away by some nail technicians? Um, no, probably not.

So I made an appointment and found that while they could have been talking shit about me in Vietnamese; it’s likely that they weren’t. And instead of turning me away, they just urged me to get married and have kids. Which isn’t so bad, lots of people tell me that. In the game to defeat my nail biting, I somehow managed to defeat the boss fight that was the nail salon!

But the game wasn’t over, I kept the acrylic nails on for the next three months to make sure that the habit had been broken. The first couple of weeks were rough, I was neurotically biting the acrylic and even purchased an adult pacifier to satisfy the desire. But eventually, I was able to supplement the habit with other forms of stimulation like listening to NPR or something educational while driving.

And then, a week ago I conquered the next boss and removed the acrylic nails. At first I struggled not to bite them again but managed to fight it, trim my nails and paint them myself. For the first time in my entire life, I had my own nails unbitten, painted and looking pretty! I have even received compliments on them!

And now, every time I look at my hands, I’m reminded that it’s the small victories that push us to be who we want to be. If my hands say who I am really am; now they tell a story of someone who can break a cycle of tearing themselves apart, fighting off irrational shame and fear, and pushing through a difficulty to be who I want to be. It’s a small victory. I mean, in the end, I just got my nails done. But sometimes it’s the small victories that say the most about who we are.

Sources: https://www.healthline.com/health/why-do-people-bite-their-nails