I wrote this blog because I started watching the abhorrent and yet alarmingly addictive show on Netflix titled Are You The One? I noticed over and over again that the people on the show would pair up with people that they “had a connection with” and this irked me. I kept thinking, why are they so stuck on that? That’s really not that rare. But as I thought back on my own dating history, I realized I was definitely guilty of chasing just a connection. This got me thinking then about what relationships needed to potentially be ‘the perfect match’ as the show liked to repeat annoyingly every 5 seconds. Granted, the show isn’t real life and is only loosely related to this article, it was merely what inspired the hierarchy I have described below, but you should watch it and get horribly addicted to it like I did.
Starting from Tier 0, you have every human being on the planet as a possible match. I mostly included this tier to be funny. But also because it reminds me of that scene with the peanuts from the movie How to Be Single, which you should also watch if you haven’t, great movie.
Then when you move up to Tier 1, you diminish the possible matches by people you have a connection with. Sometimes this is described as chemistry or an initial spark or feeling of being on the same wavelength. But this tier doesn’t just consist of people that you share a romantic connection with. It could be people of any connection. Maybe you and your mom are close in a way that your relationship shares a special level of intimacy. There are also plenty of people that we share connections with that are just friends. The propensity for finding someone you have a connection with depends on the person. Some people find it very hard to connect with others on this level, others find it very easy and seem to connect with whoever they want. But no matter what group you are in, I think the romantic connection you might experience with someone that could be a potential romantic partner is often given more weight than it should be given. For instance, you meet someone and you have a connection with them and then you push for the relationship based on this factor alone ignoring the following tiers and red flags because you ‘shared a connection.’ Of course connection is important for a relationship but I think it is only the first requirement needed for a potential romantic partner.
The second tier, Tier 2, has to do with physical attraction. It is necessary in a romantic relationship for both partners to be attracted to one another. You might feel a connection with someone but if you are not physically attracted or sexually attracted to them, either because of their age, sex, or other factors, then the connection becomes more platonic. While physical attraction is important, it is possible that you are too shallow and are diminishing your options too much. The first two tiers can usually be figured out pretty quickly but I think it’s important to be aware of what you qualify personally as a connection and what you qualify personally as physical attraction to make sure that you aren’t diminishing your options.
The third tier, Tier 3, takes a little while longer to figure out. I sum it up as the Practical Alignment Tier. Which basically means that it includes every single one of your beliefs, values, morals, ideas, habits, strengths, weaknesses, cultures, social norms, personalities and everything in between that makes up you as a person and is then revealed practically in the real world. From what religion you adhere to, to your beliefs on polygamy, when a couple should be serious, what temperature the thermostat should be set on, what kind of food you like, how much money you make, what kind of movies you like or even your work schedule. These are only a few of the things that we could think of that affect the day to day interaction of our romantic relationships. Compatibility tests and personality tests love to focus on these areas to determine compatibility. And there is a reason they are used so often. I think, and I could be wrong, that practical alignment needs to be very close to the same. The more beliefs and practical things that you share, the less that could cause a potential fight or a need to compromise. Sure, what types of movies we both like seems mundane but if every night we are arguing over whether to watch a horror movie or a comedy, the tension might be slightly higher between us. But issues such as religious beliefs can cause real issues that affect many other decisions such as, when it is acceptable to be sexually active or if it’s okay to marry more than one person. This is why it is my belief that as many of the ideas belonging to the practical alignment tier should line up but as anyone who has been in a relationship knows, 100% alignment simply isn’t possible. There will inevitably be things that both people do not agree on. They could be big things such as dietary requirements or culture. They could be smaller things such as what to set the thermostat to or what movies to watch but the differences will surface. But what do we do when those differences surface?
The fourth tier is the last thing that a relationship needs and is so easy to forget about because it is so rare. We often think that by making it through the third tier that the relationship is destined to last because even making it through the third tier is rare. But there is actually one more tier that should be established in order for the relationship to be something that is pursued. I call the last tier the Respect Tier. If you do not have an underlying and unwavering respect for your partner, then the previous tiers will collapse. And this respect is revealed during tier 3, during the aspects of our partners’ beliefs, or morals, or habits that we do not agree with. It’s easy to like someone and respect someone when they agree with everything that you say and do. But in the 4th tier, when you don’t agree and your lack of respect for the other person shows; conflict management and the ability to compromise gets broken down. But if you still maintain and develop a respect for the other person, then these areas where you don’t agree can be managed and worked around.
Respect allows your partner to be different and their own person despite disagreements and each other’s flaws. For instance, my partner and I might have completely different shows that we care to watch. He likes to watch scary frightening nightmare inducing movies versus the movies that I prefer; goofy cheesy romantic comedies. But respect for one another creates a dialogue of compromise and also causes exploration to find a genre that is agreed upon by both such as sci-fi dramas. She might not understand why he wants his movies to frighten him and he wants to groan at every overly romantic gesture but respect for each other turns disagreements and differences from being huge fights into areas of growth and humor. Respect helps us come from a place of curiosity and a desire to understand our partner instead of a place of accusation and defense. I might not understand why my partner does this or believes that but since I respect them as a person, then there must be a reason that they think differently and I’m open to learning that.
Unfortunately though, there may be things that you simply couldn’t get over if your partner believed or needed. For example, if my partner believed the earth was flat, I would really struggle to maintain respect for them. While respect is extremely important, I also think it can be limiting if we do not broaden our respect to people who believe or act differently then we do and it’s also important that we evaluate where our respect comes from. Who do you believe has earned your respect and why? If you are with someone, do you respect them even when they disagree with you?
If all four tiers are satisfied; you have a connection or intimacy, you are attracted to them physically, you align mostly in your beliefs and practical requirements and then in spite of the things you don’t align on; you respect them, then you may have a match that could be considered close to ideal. I think that many compatibility charts and questions and personality tests match people up based on tier 3 since this tier is difficult to attain anyways, and they hope that having a lot in common will garner respect and a connection and physical attraction but I think that this is why so many relationships struggle because both participants do not have respect for one another. And without respect, you start to treat one another like crap and use one another. Of course, I am only playing with this idea and if you have additions or suggestions to my hierarchy, I’d love to hear them! Please send me a private message or comment below!
To sum up:
Tier 0 – Everyone human being on the planet
Tier 1 – Connection
Tier 2 – Physical Attraction
Tier 3 – Practical Alignment
Tier 4 – Respect
Closed System 