Category: Mom

5 Things I learned after My Mom Died

  1. I needed her way more than I thought I did. I need people in general way more than I thought I did. And I’m learning that that isn’t a weakness. Accepting that I need people was a difficult thing for me to do. I wanted all of my life to be independent and self-sustaining and if I felt myself needing someone, I felt vulnerable and would back away. Hence, I found myself going after relationships that I could hold at arms length. But denying the need and going after things that could never fulfill it did not make the need go away. It just hurt me and caused me pain in other ways. So now I stand boldly and say I need you and I’m ok with you needing me. Because we are all stronger if we stand together.
  2. People don’t listen to you no matter how honest you are. They still do what they want and make decisions on their own. But still be honest. Be as honest as you can to your loved ones and the people that you care about. Don’t beat around the bush. Even if you’re afraid that you might lose them with your honesty. Sometimes that’s all we can do for one another is to be honest and love them.
  3. There is no such thing as destiny. No such thing as you will find your true love and everything you deserve. The universe owes you nothing. No matter how horrible your life was, you don’t deserve anything or anyone. The only thing that you can control is your choices. And some of those choices could take your life the next day. And then other times, you could make all of the right choices and still, tomorrow isn’t promised. All you have is right now and the hope that the next choice you make will keep you alive a little longer.
  4. A lot of people really suck at helping people who are grieving. (Warning: irritated rant). No I’m not ok. Please stop asking me. And please stop saying “I can only imagine how you’re feeling.” It shouldn’t be that difficult, Karen. Imagine your mother getting murdered and the depth of sorrow and loss you would feel. There. Now you can imagine it. It’s really shitty isn’t it? Don’t tell me time will heal all wounds. Losing my Mom isn’t a wound. This isn’t a 16 year old boy telling me I’m ugly. Losing my Mom is like amputating my right leg. I lost something that will affect me and my siblings for the rest of our lives. And there will always be something missing at every family gathering and big event and everytime I wish I could call her and talk to her. Amputated legs don’t heal. You just learn to live without them. Don’t tell me life will go on. Don’t tell me to stay positive. I honestly shouldn’t have to explain why this makes me want to punch you in the throat. I appreciate your attempt to identify with me by mentioning how your 80 year old grandma died of cancer but it’s not the same. It’s not even close to being the same. And you know that so why even bother bringing it up? Thank you for saying that you’re here if I need you but I think you know that I wont ask for anything because what I really want is my Mom to be alive again. If there’s something you are willing to do and think you should do; then do it. Also stop telling me not to blame myself. I don’t blame myself. He is the one that pulled the trigger. But the truth is that I most likely would have been able to convince her to leave if I had talked to her face to face. Because I knew my mother and the relationship that we had. I’d actually been planning on going up there soon to get her away from him and talk to her. But everything happened so fast. But that understanding is different than blaming myself. For example, when Drogo is killed by the witch lady in Game of Thrones, nobody blames Dany. Dany loved her husband and didn’t want him to die. But she made choices and trusted the wrong person and that ultimately led to his death. But that is the truth of the story. And the truth of my Mom’s story is that she made choices that led to her being in the position where he could kill her. It isn’t her fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not my brother’s fault. It is no one’s fault apart from the person that killed her. And thinking about her story and what led up to it and what maybe could have changed the outcome is not blaming her or myself. And it honestly pisses me off when you shut down that dialogue with “stop blaming yourself.” If I am not allowed to discuss alternative outcomes then you are telling me that her death was inevitable and that there was nothing anyone could of done anywhere ever, which implies that other women in the same situation are just destined to be murdered and there is no way to help them. And that is ridiculous. We should be talking about what could have been done, because that is the only way to prevent it from happening to someone else.
  5. A lot of people are really amazing at helping each other grieve. Several people have held me while I cried my heart out. One of my friends bought me a bunch of lessons on writing because he knows that writing is how I deal with things. Another friend that works at red river put two tables together with yellow balloons on the night of my mom’s dance memorial and dozens of people wore yellow that night while they danced because it was her favorite color even though most had never met her. My Dad drove an hour each way and talked to me for three hours Sunday night. My mom loved to garden and had actually planted the flowers outside of the funeral home that held her service. So at her funeral, they had a wheelbarrow of small plants outside and asked everyone to take one and plant it in her honor. And those were just a few of the ways that people show that they cared, so just know that I appreciate you all and everything that you’ve done for me and for her.

Staci Whiteley: A daughter’s words

I spoke at my Mom’s funeral on Tuesday. And it was extremely hard but I’ll forever be glad that I did. Here is what I said:

Hello everyone, thank you for coming to celebrate my mom. I am the oldest of her five kids. And if you heard about me from her, I promise I’m not nearly as smart as she gave me credit for. But I think that’s something that all five of us can agree on; myself, Jake, Ethan, Dylan and Lauren, Mom was exceptionally proud of us. I don’t think it’s possible to be more proud of us than she was.

My mom was the most stubborn and hard headed person I know, but you hadn’t seen 10% of that until you saw her defend one of us.

But while she had her moments where she had to get tough, I think we all remember her best for her unyielding positivity. She was always happy. Always ready to bust out into song to Jesus take the wheel or Shania Twain. And you couldn’t help but sing along.

Saying that she loved life is an understatement. She loved kayaking, singing, talking, traveling, motocycles, gardening, roller coasters, horses, country, city, shopping, skiing. In fact, it would be a much shorter list to say the things she didn’t enjoy or wouldn’t have tried. I honestly can’t even think of one thing. But I’m sure there were at least a few.

I’m going to miss talking to her the most though. She was the one I ran to when I was afraid everyone else would judge me. I always knew that she would love me no matter what I did. She was the best at just listening and consoling never trying to solve your problem or convince you that you shouldn’t feel a certain way. She was not only my mom, but my best friend. I love you mom.