I wrote this blog because I started watching the abhorrent and yet alarmingly addictive show on Netflix titled Are You The One? I noticed over and over again that the people on the show would pair up with people that they “had a connection with” and this irked me. I kept thinking, why are they so stuck on that? That’s really not that rare. But as I thought back on my own dating history, I realized I was definitely guilty of chasing just a connection. This got me thinking then about what relationships needed to potentially be ‘the perfect match’ as the show liked to repeat annoyingly every 5 seconds. Granted, the show isn’t real life and is only loosely related to this article, it was merely what inspired the hierarchy I have described below, but you should watch it and get horribly addicted to it like I did.

Starting from Tier 0, you have every human being on the planet as a possible match. I mostly included this tier to be funny. But also because it reminds me of that scene with the peanuts from the movie How to Be Single, which you should also watch if you haven’t, great movie.

Then when you move up to Tier 1, you diminish the possible matches by people you have a connection with. Sometimes this is described as chemistry or an initial spark or feeling of being on the same wavelength. But this tier doesn’t just consist of people that you share a romantic connection with. It could be people of any connection. Maybe you and your mom are close in a way that your relationship shares a special level of intimacy. There are also plenty of people that we share connections with that are just friends. The propensity for finding someone you have a connection with depends on the person. Some people find it very hard to connect with others on this level, others find it very easy and seem to connect with whoever they want. But no matter what group you are in, I think the romantic connection you might experience with someone that could be a potential romantic partner is often given more weight than it should be given. For instance, you meet someone and you have a connection with them and then you push for the relationship based on this factor alone ignoring the following tiers and red flags because you ‘shared a connection.’ Of course connection is important for a relationship but I think it is only the first requirement needed for a potential romantic partner.

The second tier, Tier 2, has to do with physical attraction. It is necessary in a romantic relationship for both partners to be attracted to one another. You might feel a connection with someone but if you are not physically attracted or sexually attracted to them, either because of their age, sex, or other factors, then the connection becomes more platonic. While physical attraction is important, it is possible that you are too shallow and are diminishing your options too much. The first two tiers can usually be figured out pretty quickly but I think it’s important to be aware of what you qualify personally as a connection and what you qualify personally as physical attraction to make sure that you aren’t diminishing your options.

The third tier, Tier 3, takes a little while longer to figure out. I sum it up as the Practical Alignment Tier. Which basically means that it includes every single one of your beliefs, values, morals, ideas, habits, strengths, weaknesses, cultures, social norms, personalities and everything in between that makes up you as a person and is then revealed practically in the real world. From what religion you adhere to, to your beliefs on polygamy, when a couple should be serious, what temperature the thermostat should be set on, what kind of food you like, how much money you make, what kind of movies you like or even your work schedule. These are only a few of the things that we could think of that affect the day to day interaction of our romantic relationships. Compatibility tests and personality tests love to focus on these areas to determine compatibility. And there is a reason they are used so often. I think, and I could be wrong, that practical alignment needs to be very close to the same. The more beliefs and practical things that you share, the less that could cause a potential fight or a need to compromise. Sure, what types of movies we both like seems mundane but if every night we are arguing over whether to watch a horror movie or a comedy, the tension might be slightly higher between us. But issues such as religious beliefs can cause real issues that affect many other decisions such as, when it is acceptable to be sexually active or if it’s okay to marry more than one person. This is why it is my belief that as many of the ideas belonging to the practical alignment tier should line up but as anyone who has been in a relationship knows, 100% alignment simply isn’t possible. There will inevitably be things that both people do not agree on. They could be big things such as dietary requirements or culture. They could be smaller things such as what to set the thermostat to or what movies to watch but the differences will surface. But what do we do when those differences surface?

The fourth tier is the last thing that a relationship needs and is so easy to forget about because it is so rare. We often think that by making it through the third tier that the relationship is destined to last because even making it through the third tier is rare. But there is actually one more tier that should be established in order for the relationship to be something that is pursued. I call the last tier the Respect Tier. If you do not have an underlying and unwavering respect for your partner, then the previous tiers will collapse. And this respect is revealed during tier 3, during the aspects of our partners’ beliefs, or morals, or habits that we do not agree with. It’s easy to like someone and respect someone when they agree with everything that you say and do. But in the 4th tier, when you don’t agree and your lack of respect for the other person shows; conflict management and the ability to compromise gets broken down. But if you still maintain and develop a respect for the other person, then these areas where you don’t agree can be managed and worked around.

Respect allows your partner to be different and their own person despite disagreements and each other’s flaws. For instance, my partner and I might have completely different shows that we care to watch. He likes to watch scary frightening nightmare inducing movies versus the movies that I prefer; goofy cheesy romantic comedies. But respect for one another creates a dialogue of compromise and also causes exploration to find a genre that is agreed upon by both such as sci-fi dramas. She might not understand why he wants his movies to frighten him and he wants to groan at every overly romantic gesture but respect for each other turns disagreements and differences from being huge fights into areas of growth and humor. Respect helps us come from a place of curiosity and a desire to understand our partner instead of a place of accusation and defense. I might not understand why my partner does this or believes that but since I respect them as a person, then there must be a reason that they think differently and I’m open to learning that.

Unfortunately though, there may be things that you simply couldn’t get over if your partner believed or needed. For example, if my partner believed the earth was flat, I would really struggle to maintain respect for them. While respect is extremely important, I also think it can be limiting if we do not broaden our respect to people who believe or act differently then we do and it’s also important that we evaluate where our respect comes from. Who do you believe has earned your respect and why? If you are with someone, do you respect them even when they disagree with you?

If all four tiers are satisfied; you have a connection or intimacy, you are attracted to them physically, you align mostly in your beliefs and practical requirements and then in spite of the things you don’t align on; you respect them, then you may have a match that could be considered close to ideal. I think that many compatibility charts and questions and personality tests match people up based on tier 3 since this tier is difficult to attain anyways, and they hope that having a lot in common will garner respect and a connection and physical attraction but I think that this is why so many relationships struggle because both participants do not have respect for one another. And without respect, you start to treat one another like crap and use one another. Of course, I am only playing with this idea and if you have additions or suggestions to my hierarchy, I’d love to hear them! Please send me a private message or comment below!

To sum up:

Tier 0 – Everyone human being on the planet

Tier 1 – Connection

Tier 2 – Physical Attraction

Tier 3 – Practical Alignment

Tier 4 – Respect

I broke a bad habit last year that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do. I finally stopped biting my nails.

I’ve been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. Clinically, the problem is called onychophagia. And the cause of it ranges depending on the person. Some people bite their nails due to anxiety. I was accused of doing it for this reason but I’m not a particularly anxious person. In reality, the cause of my nail biting stems from my ADHD, not being able to sit still for long periods of time, I had to channel that energy somewhere. So I started biting my nails due to boredom and a lack of stimulation. It would help me focus and give me something to do during tasks my ADHD brain had decided were boring. Like driving, sitting in class, or a meeting and even waiting in line.

I tried a lot of things to cure me of biting my nails. I read horror stories of the dirt and grime that collects under our nails but that wouldn’t deter me long enough. I put stuff on my nails to keep me from biting them but I’d forget and eventually I’d get all the nasty stuff off and be able to bite my nails like normal. I tried some fake nails from Walmart and they helped but after a week they’d fall off and I’d go right back to the nasty habit. I suspected that if I went and got my nails professionally done, I’d be able to kick the habit because the acrylic nails would last longer and would act as a guard for my nails from my teeth.

But for several years, this idea sat in my brain and I did nothing about it because of fear and shame. You see, every time I’d look down at my hands and see them all so short and mangled, throbbing with pain, red and puffy from irritation and on the worst days I’d even make them bleed; I’d be reminded of what a failure I was. Here I was, a 28 year old woman, biting her nails like a 10 year old. I’d stare at them all mangled, determined to make them look at least somewhat normal, and I’d bite them more, only making them worse. It was a vicious cycle. But I wouldn’t go get them done because of how ashamed I was at how awful they looked.

I had built up a narrative in my head. It consisted of me going to a nail salon and the technicians seeing my nails and just laughing, seeing the worst nails that they had ever seen and then turn me away. And then it would be over, I’d be stuck with these mangled nails forever. We tend to put things off because of a fear of the outcome. If the outcome is not what we want, then we no longer have that option. But if I never went to the nail salon and I was never turned away, then going to the nail salon would still be an option. Having that ‘option’ was comforting, even if it was a fantasy.

But I’ve also read that our hands say a lot about who we are. And if that were true, looking at my hands I would have to resign myself to being a failure for the rest of my life. My hands currently told a story of someone who would self-mutilate just to keep from feeling a little bored and was too afraid to go to a nail salon.

But several months ago, I voiced this fear to someone I trust, and once I did: I laughed at myself. I instantly realized how silly I was being. The fear that was preventing me from getting my nails done and conquering my nail-biting habit, was the opinions of little old Vietnamese women. This person that I trusted told me that “they’ve seen worse nails than yours.” And this struck me. I had never even considered that my nails might not be the worst that they had ever seen.

And there in lies the ego part of this problem. My ego had staunchly placed me at the head of the charge of worst nails in history. I imagined going to the nail salon and a nail magazine doing an expose on me and how my nails got this bad. Ego just loves to put us at the helm of everything. You are the WORST at this! It shouts. Just run away and hide! Sometimes we need to thank our ego, ultimately, it’s just trying to protect us; using our fear to protect us from things we should actually be afraid of. But mostly, I find that my ego has the skill of me drunkingly playing darts. Be afraid of that! And this and that! It says with each dart, until the board is completely covered and only one or two, have managed to hit the target. Those one or two, definitely be afraid and aware of them. But the rest, take off and examine one dart at a time and ask yourself if you really should be afraid of this.

So I asked myself, should I really be afraid of being turned away by some nail technicians? Um, no, probably not.

So I made an appointment and found that while they could have been talking shit about me in Vietnamese; it’s likely that they weren’t. And instead of turning me away, they just urged me to get married and have kids. Which isn’t so bad, lots of people tell me that. In the game to defeat my nail biting, I somehow managed to defeat the boss fight that was the nail salon!

But the game wasn’t over, I kept the acrylic nails on for the next three months to make sure that the habit had been broken. The first couple of weeks were rough, I was neurotically biting the acrylic and even purchased an adult pacifier to satisfy the desire. But eventually, I was able to supplement the habit with other forms of stimulation like listening to NPR or something educational while driving.

And then, a week ago I conquered the next boss and removed the acrylic nails. At first I struggled not to bite them again but managed to fight it, trim my nails and paint them myself. For the first time in my entire life, I had my own nails unbitten, painted and looking pretty! I have even received compliments on them!

And now, every time I look at my hands, I’m reminded that it’s the small victories that push us to be who we want to be. If my hands say who I am really am; now they tell a story of someone who can break a cycle of tearing themselves apart, fighting off irrational shame and fear, and pushing through a difficulty to be who I want to be. It’s a small victory. I mean, in the end, I just got my nails done. But sometimes it’s the small victories that say the most about who we are.

Sources: https://www.healthline.com/health/why-do-people-bite-their-nails

today you would have been 48

I still miss you

I still love you

And you will get the justice you deserve soon

With the help of my boyfriend, I came up with this concept to help me focus and be more productive. I had been complaining about how useless making to do lists was for me since I am so visual and spatial, seeing everything I had to do in a list just overwhelmed me. He originally suggested I use a square system and then I added the Bingo aspect to satisfy my competitive nature. I’m sharing the template here for concept usage in case it benefits anyone else. I have been using it for the past two months and it’s made me way more effective in my day to day life in addition to accomplishing all of my creative endeavors, one BINGO at a time. I will also breaking down how I split all of the tasks into different tiers because colors and categories are fun! But obviously, if you like the idea you can change it and use it however I like.

5 X 5 TASK BINGO Template

Tier 3	Tier 4	Tier 1	Tier 2	Tier 5
Tier 2	Tier 1	Tier 6	Tier 3	Tier 7
Tier 6	Tier 5	BASICS	Tier 1	Tier 2
Tier 1	Tier 3	Tier 2	Tier 5	Tier 4
Tier 5	Tier 6	Tier 4	Tier 7	Tier 3

Middle square

1 square – free space – basics

The middle square I have colored black and even if I get no other squares finished in the Bingo, I should still get these done. But they may still be things I need a simple reminder for. Like brushing my teeth in the morning and at night and taking my vitamins. If you have ADHD like I do, even the smallest thing is difficult to remember.

Tier 1

4 squares – light blue – Easiest  tasks – minimal to no motivation neede

Come up with 4 super easy things that you need to do almost everyday. I have check that all bills have been paid, I have list something I am grateful for that day and learn a new English vocabulary word as examples. This can be specific to you but make these things take no longer than three minutes. They provide you with quick dopamine hit and feeling of accomplishment to move on to accomplishing the harder stuff.

Tier 2

4 squares – dark blue – Sort of easy tasks – a little motivation required

Next come up with 4 things that require a little more motivation to accomplish than tier one. On mine, I have reading fiction, reading nonfiction, watching something educational (such as a documentary or masterclass) and doing a diary entry. Tier 2 activities shouldn’t take longer than 20 minutes and I set the bar really low for myself. To check off read fiction, I only have to read one chapter of the book I’m reading right now. Of course I normally get involved in the book and read two or three chapters but somedays I don’t feel like reading so I do the bare minimum and check it off my list. If you set a New Year’s Resolution to read the bible this is a perfect place to put “Read a chapter of Scripture.” The progress may seem small at first but it builds over time.

Tier 3

4 squares – Yellow – cleaning tasks – A little more motivation required

Because of my ADHD, I really struggle to do routine cleaning, I’ll put off wiping down the sink and cleaning my car until they just look atrocious. So in this category put the daily cleaning things that you would like to make more frequent. I have clean kitchen, sweep or vacuum, and clean the bathroom on mine. These are small steps for people who are struggling with basic daily cleaning needs if you’ve already got those down, put more elaborate cleaning things in these squares. The great thing about this Bingo is that it’s putting these things into habit so once you’ve turned something into a habit you can change it.

Tier 4

3 squares – dark grey – harder tasks – more motivation required

These are the final tasks that I sometimes really struggle to motivate myself to accomplish. I want to do them. I know I should do them but since they take longer than 20 minutes and sometimes upwards of hours to accomplish, I just can’t seem to motivate myself to do them all of the time. I have on this list working on my AutoCAD classes, writing more of my novel and working on a drawing. These are my hobbies, whatever hobbies you have that take multiple days of multiple sessions to build and create over time, put them here.

Tier 5

4 squares – Green – physical tasks – more motivation required

To help you complete all of your fitness goals, use four green squares to motivate you physically. I have one for stretching, strength training, yoga and dance drills. These sometimes take a lot of motivation and they sometimes take none but I want them to be frequent so that I can’t easily avoid them.

Tier 6

3 squares – Pink – other repeating tasks

This section is sort of random, I have what goes in this as a separate list as it could be anything from getting an oil change to buying groceries. This category basically includes things that take more motivation but are repeated at odd intervals. It’s easier to turn things that you need to do everyday into a habit like brushing your teeth or cleaning the sink but you cant get your oil changed everyday. You have to get it done when your car needs it according to time passed or mileage. Therefore me it’s almost impossible to do these things in a time frame that is reoccurring when they can vary. These squares are important because they are the hallmark of being a healthy adult and following laws and maintenance requirements so that you stay on top of tasks the adult world needs us to accomplish.

Tier 7

2 squares – Red – non repeating tasks

I loathe these tasks. I have to make a separate list for these as they are always changing but it is the list of things I have put off and desperately need to get done. For example, getting my stuff out of storage or other life problems I avoid. Sometimes these take multiple steps so give yourself credit for each step you complete. These are also unlikely to repeat as soon as you finish them, you wont have to do them again. And if you do, it’s not for the foreseeable future.

I started out with a 5 by 5 task bingo and a lot of the categories have evolved and changed a little the past few months. However you organize yours, it’s important to challenge yourself but also set very low minimums when you are first starting out. At first I struggled to get a BINGO with just the 5 by 5 but then I was able to get almost a blackout easily so I created a more complex 7 by 7 bingo, that I will include below. If both the 5 X 5 Bingo and 7 X 7 Bingo overwhelm you, just start out with a 3 by 3 box of tasks and organize how you would like. Again, I shared this as a concept because it has been helping me a lot and figured that it might help others as well. So just erase the tier levels, put in your own tasks and prepare to be productive! Let me know if you have any questions!

Brittani’s 7 X 7 Task Bingo

Edit	Non Repeating task	express gratitude	read fiction	brainstorm 3 ideas	clean car	stretching dance drills
diary entry	practice hand lettering	creative exercise	exercise meditation	all bills paid	other repeating task	laundry
clean kitchen	stretching yoga	other repeating task	rose exercise	Autocad	study spanish	night time exercise
traveler’s journal	watch something educational	dance drills exercise	Brush Teeth Am Brush Teeth PM Floss/Mouthwash Vitamins/Birth Control	sweep vacuum take out trash	daily questions	In the Midst of Time
meditation stretching	Drawing	read nonfiction	clean litter box	non repeating task	spanish vocab	update exercise diary
puzzle	clean bathroom	review goals	Blog	religious studies	stretching exercise	non repeating task
Other repeating task	english vocab	wash dishes	update monthly calender	meditation yoga	Creative Exercise	study plot of another story

If you find yourself thinking “Why don’t I get asked to dance more often?” or “Why am I always told no, when I ask someone to dance?” And you are sick of the vapid encouraging responses on social media that don’t seem to be helping anything as you continue to stand on the sidelines for what feels like every song? Then continue reading this article because I’m about to give you the honest hard-to-swallow truth as to why you are being avoided or not asked to dance as often as you’d like. Since I am a follow the majority of this article will be aimed at follows but some of it will apply to leads as well.

1. The Leads are only interested in one thing

Having spent years in the country scene it becomes painfully obvious the second you step foot into a country bar that many of the leads are only interested in hooking up. This means that they will often only ask girls to dance that they think they have a shot with. This means that if you are standing next your husband, boyfriend or even an imposing male friend and they think for two seconds that you might be taken, then you will not get asked to dance as often. Granted many leads don’t care if someone is taken and will ask a follow to dance anyways. Some leads may even ask your man if it’s ok if they ask you to dance first, don’t take this as an accusation that they see you as his property. Culturally, it is a sign that they respect your relationship.

Also if a large enough number of men are only interested in one thing, then if they aren’t attracted to you, then they won’t ask you to dance. Of course not all leads are interested in this but it is the dominating reason men ask a girl to dance at a country bar. I’m also not shooting down romantic endeavors in the dance scenes, many amazing and healthy relationships are born between two people that love to dance and met doing the thing that they love. But if you are in a country dance hall and you are sending the signal that you are taken or not available, then the frequency that you will be asked to dance goes down.

2. The Leads think the follows are only interested in one thing

On the flip-side, a lot of leads are there just to dance because they love to dance! But many of them may avoid a follow if she is coming across way too desperate, thirsty or is dressed in a way that is too revealing. The first reason is that many leads have girlfriends and wives and they feel awkward dancing with a girl with her ass cheeks out. The second reason is that even if they aren’t taken, dancing with a girl that has it all hanging out can be distracting when they are trying to lead you through ten different moves and protect you from the dancers around them. This isn’t something I would have anticipated myself but I have had a lead complain about this before about some of the follows. The idea ladies is to be classy and sexy! Try to focus on having a balanced look. If you are showing more skin up top, cover your legs, if you’re showing those beautiful legs of yours tonight, then cover up the girls. Also, please please please if you’ve decided to wear a dress, wear underwear. Nothing flashes new easy dancer like a girl wearing a dress, flashing the audience.

3. You smell/sweat

Dancing is a physically strenuous activity. It’s super fun!! But it does require some endurance and muscle strength and with all of the movement required during dancing; it’s not surprising that smelling good and sweating too much can be a problem on the dance floor. There have been plenty of leads I’ve avoided like the plague because I can see their sweat dripping off as they walk towards me. But I’ve also heard guys complaining that girls hair will get so sweaty that when it whips around it can slap them in the face and instantly cover them in their head sweat!!! EWWWW!! If this is you, no doubt you’re struggling to get asked to dance! But this is an easy fix. Do a sweat check every few songs. Check your back for puddles, change shirts or stand by the fan and do a quick spritz of perfume/cologne. Your dance partners will appreciate it!

4. Body language/Attitude

This might just be me, but in my opinion this is the most annoying one to overcome. I’m guilty of RBF, crossing my arms, pouting in corners and getting jealous like everyone else but nothing scares off  a lead like a bad attitude. I’m not saying that you must always have a smile on and always be in an upbeat mood. By all means, if you need to fret in the corner for a couple of hours, then do it! There is nothing wrong with having negative emotions. However, if you’re glaring judgmentally at every person smiling on the dance floor, don’t be surprised when no one asks you to dance. If you want someone to ask you to dance, then SMILE and send out a positive and encouraging vibe and you will definitely get asked to dance more often. Always say thank you for the dance and maybe even tell them that you had so much fun, that you’d love for them to ask you later! Now even though you might not be someone that they know, they won’t be as shy about asking you to dance a second time.

5. Skill Level

This one may or may not cut straight through to your ego but if you aren’t getting asked to dance as often as you’d like to by the better dancers then you probably aren’t as good of a dancer as you think you are.

In both the country dance world and the west coast swing dance world, better dancers get asked to dance more often. It’s just how it is. So if you want to dance with a better dancer than your current skill level, you are just going to have to ask them. And most of them are super cool and unless they are exhausted will usually say yes! But also keep in mind that if your skill level is way below theirs, then you are work for them. So if they say no or they only dance one song and then immediately dance with someone else for the next three songs, don’t take it personally. And also don’t feel bad or shy about asking them to dance. You are an investment dance! What do I mean by this? You may not be on the same level as them right now but if you’re working everyday on your skills, if you’re taking lessons and watching videos of yourself and doing everything you can to improve, guess what?! You will improve! Therefore a better dancer invests in other dancers and the community by dancing with other dancers so that we all continue to grow  together. This is the my favorite part of dance, the part where we get to continually improve and work on our skills together. If you aren’t being asked as often as you’d like by higher level dancers, then invest in your own dance by taking group classes, private lessons or signing up for one of the many virtual lessons online.

6. You’re strong arming your partner

This is hands down the number one reason I will avoid or say no to a lead at a social. (Apart from being exhausted) I would rather dance with a super new dancer. Someone that pulls me through sugar pushes and right side passes for five minutes straight then someone who thinks they know all of these fancy moves and is actually about to rip my arms out of their sockets.

Of course the ability to be an effective lead without being too strong and an effective follow without being too strong is a skill by itself. It can be really difficult for leads to understand the confusing requests of “Lead me” but “not too rough!!” It can be the same for follows when we are told “just follow me” but “give me some resistance too!!” Trust me, I’m still figuring it out. But to both follows and leads, you’re just going to have to be open to and ask for feedback about the connection you are giving. Regularly check in with how hard you are leading or following. (If it feels like you are jerking them around like a ball on a string, you probably are.) And if your lead or follow says that you are being a little rough don’t take it personally, just ease off a bit and relax. Whoever you are dancing with, you want them to be comfortable so that they come back!

If someone tells you that you are following or leading a bit too strong and you argue with them and shoot them down, they aren’t going to be very eager to dance with you the next time that they see you.

7. Numbers of leads and follows

This one is unfortunately a simple numbers game. Let’s say only 10 leads and 30 follows show up to this evening’s social. If every lead doesn’t stop dancing even for one song; you still will only get to dance every third song! And leads aren’t machines. They get tired! Resign yourself to every fifth or sixth song and be happy that you get to dance at all because some nights will be like this! Learn to be happy watching and cheering your friends on. And if you ask a lead to dance because you’ve been sitting for four songs and he’s been dancing for five don’t be surprised when he breathlessly begs for a break or a gulp of water. It’s not personal. HE’S TIRED!! On nights when there happens to be way more leads than follows, you will be happy when they offer you the same grace.

I created this list as a guide to create a more honest conversation about why we aren’t getting asked to dance as often as we’d like. I could be completely wrong about all of them. Not to mention the culture around the dance community is always changing and evolving so these seven things could be completely archaic in just a year. So take the advice I gave above and ask yourself if any may apply to you, if you aren’t sure then take steps to correct them and see if you get asked to dance more often!

As always, thank you for reading! Send me a message if you would like to discuss farther!

Hello everyone, it had occurred to me recently that I am awful at organizing and planning out plots so I used a book that outlined various plot’s to help me write and finish the following short story. It follows the typical plot line known as “The Heroes Journey.” Countless popular stories follow this plot line, including The Matrix, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and The Lion King to name a few. The following story is for entertainment and was for me to practice finishing an outlined plot so I can get better at creating and finishing my own. Enjoy and let me know what you think if you have time!

Belle stretched her paws on the bed as she heard the front door creek open. “Belle! I’m home!” She heard her caretaker shout. Belle stood and stared at the door knowing she’d poke her head around the corner moments later. “I missed you today.” Belle meowed. “I missed you too.” Her owner Martha said as she kissed Belle on her nose. 

Martha threw her bag on the bed and then went to the bathroom. She poured Belle some clean water and clean food and then went to the kitchen for a snack. 

Belle lapped up the clean water and took a few bites of some dry food and then jumped back onto the bed with Martha as she turned on the television and scrolled through the options until she settled on her favorite again, The Office. Belle curled up on Martha’s side and rested her head on her leg. Life was good. She thought as she slowly drifted off back to sleep.

The next morning, Martha left for work like she did most days. Belle stretched out her paws on the bed and then curled into a ball to keep warm since her living heater had just left. She let out a sigh, intending on taking a long deep nap until Martha got home. Belle slowly closed her eyes. And then she heard scratching on the screen door. Belle was jolted back awake. She stood staring at the screen door, the source of the sound. But the blinds were long and turned closed to block out the light so she couldn’t see who was scratching. Curious, Belle jumped off the bed, and walked over to the window and wedged her body in between two of the blinds to see who had decided to wake her from her early morning nap. 

An orange tabby twice her size stopped scratching on the window as soon as he saw her. Belle had seen him walk by several times the past few months, but she’d never spoken to him. He scratched again as if she wasn’t staring right at him. Irritated, Belle shouted “what do you want!?!” The large orange tabby sat, got very serious and shouted back, “Your son needs you!” Belle nearly fainted. Her son, Kuzco? She hadn’t seen him in over a year. Martha had wept for a week and still mentioned him from time to time when he’d disappeared. Kuzco had gotten out one night and never returned. Martha drove around the neighborhood every day for a month, but he never showed up. They both assumed he’d been taken in since he was the sweetest cat ever. Belle walked dizzily over to the window screen door and pushed it open with her nose, allowing the orange tabby to walk in. “What do you mean my son needs me? Are you talking about Kuzco?” she asked. The orange tabby paced the small apartment bedroom. “Yes, he needs you.” He said. Belle stared at him. “Okay why does he need me? What has he been doing the past year and why didn’t he come home?” She nearly shouted at him. He stopped pacing and walked back to the screen door, “I don’t have time to explain everything to you right now. Come with me and we will talk on our way.” He said.

Belle started to pace now. “No no no I can’t. Martha needs me. We can’t both leave her. And I don’t understand why he didn’t come home. If he needs me soooo much why didn’t he at least let me know he was safe.” She ranted. The orange tabby lowered his head. “Belle he wanted to come home.. it’s complicated.” He said quietly. Belle threw her paws in the air. “I’m too old for this! I’m almost nine years old, I can’t go gallivanting all over the neighborhood.” She said. The large cat sighed. “Alright, that’s fine let’s just hope nothing happens to your son.” He said and went outside.

Belle threw herself on her back. The loud cars on the highway zoomed by sending a slight October breeze through the room.  If she didn’t make it back, Martha would be heartbroken, but it was her son. If she knew he needed help, she had to at least try to help him. Belle stood having made up her mind, she ate some of her food and drank as much water as she could, she didn’t know when she’d be home again or what meal she’d have next. She shook off her fear and ran out the door, staring back one last time, knowing she had just broken Martha’s heart and ran around the corner running almost directly into the large orange tabby. “I knew you’d change your mind.” He said grinning. Belle smiled. “You didn’t tell me your name.” She said. The orange tabby turned to leave the apartment complex. “My name is Shere Kahn.” He said. “Alright, Shere Kahn, Let’s go get Kuzco.” She said.

Shere Kahn led Belle out of the apartment complex shouting as they ran. “One year ago, the night Kuzco got out, he witnessed a little girl being beaten by her father. With no training, he managed to intervene and get the man to stop beating his daughter. The CHSP found out and recruited…”

“The what?” Belle interrupted. Shere Kahn jumped avoiding a large crack in the sidewalk. “The Cats for Human Safety and Protection. It’s a secret organization that places protective cats with ‘at risk’ humans. Usually children but adults may get one too depending on the situation. We put our lives on the line every day to keep humans safe, protect them and to give them the courage to find another human that will get them to safety.” He explained. Belle remained silent so Kahn continued, “Anyways, the CHSP found out what he did for that little girl and recruited him. Unfortunately, once you’re recruited, you leave your normal life behind. He excelled in all fields and in only a year had joined the undercover team.” He slowed as they approached the road. Belle was panting. She wasn’t used to running this much. “Under…cover…team?” She asked in between deep breathes. He nodded and turned left, slowing the run to a quick trot. “He went in undercover into a human sex trafficking rink so that our agents outside could head them off and protect the kids they were targeting.” Shere Kahn explained. “Damn,” Belle said, “my son turned into a badass.” Kahn chuckled. “Wait until you see him again. Anyways, he was in real close with their cats and had effectively prevented the capture of 8 human children and 3 human adults, but when they captured an eight-year-old boy and moved to kill him, Kuzco intervened, blowing his cover.”

“Oh no!” Belle shouted. “Is he alright?”

Kahn nodded. “He’s alive for now because he lied.” He said. “what did he lie about?” Asked Belle. Kahn looked both ways and they quickly crossed the road. “He told them that he wasn’t an agent for the CHSP and prior to joining their trafficking organization, he had been living with his mother and she had kicked him out for doing too much catnip. They demanded you come as proof.” Shere Kahn said. Belle laughed. “Why wouldn’t they think that C…PSF…” She stammered. “CHSP.” Kahn corrected. “Right. CHSP. Why wouldn’t they think that CHSP would just come get me like you’re doing now?” She asked. Kahn shrugged. “Your son has a way with words, also it’s extremely rare for cats to grow up with a parent, so I suppose they assumed it was possible that he was telling the truth just because he claimed to know his mother.” Kahn said. “I see.” Belle said. “So, what am I going to do then? I have no training. I mean, I normally sleep for eight hours, bother Martha and then go back to sleep. Also, catnip?!? Kuzco would never do catnip, it’s never even been in the house once.” She ranted, feeling her panic rising.

They turned down an alley, one of those suburban streets designed to hide the ugly driveways from the main roads. “I’m taking you to the CHSP base in the area. Another undercover agent will be there to tell you the plan and train you. The little boy that your son saved is there too, he’s waiting for Kuzco to come back otherwise he will be too afraid to get help on his own.”

Belle looked up at the sky. “Jeez no pressure, right?” She said sarcastically. Kahn chuckled but said nothing else.

After several more minutes of brisk trotting, Kahn turned into an unassuming house and led her inside through the cat door. The inside of this house was an absolute disaster. Books, random object and trash were scattered all over the room. Belle was instantly reminded of that hoarding show, she and Martha used to watch. It smelled of cat urine and mold. “What is this place?!?” She exclaimed. Attempting to place her paws on the least dirty dirt patches covering the ground, Belle followed behind Shere Kahn.  A couple other cats stood over her on top of highly stacked books and mountains of trash. They stared at her as she walked by. “I feel like I’m on Garbage Runway.” She exclaimed. Kahn laughed. “This way.” He said as he led her up some stairs that were covered with old moldy newspapers. They stepped through another cat door. With one paw on the other side, Belle almost slipped on the white tile it was so clean. A tall woman writing on a white board with black frizzy hair surrounded by cats was speaking as if she was leading a march on Washington. She turned and stared directly at Belle when she heard the cat door clank shut. The rest of the cats copied her. Belle froze, suddenly having over 50 big reflecting eyes on her. “Is this her?” the tall woman asked Shere Kahn, completely ignoring Belle. Shere Kahn meowed. The woman lowered her glasses and continued staring at Belle. It suddenly occurred to her that she had no reason to be intimidated, she was here to help her son not be judged by this human, whoever she was. Belle stood up straight, stared directly at her and lifted her tail. The woman smiled. “I like her. Confident just like her son.” She then searched the crowd of cats at her feet. “Michelle, Michelle where are you?” A light grey cat with white ears meowed and stood on Belle’s right. “Good. Good. Michelle get Kuzco’s mother up to speed on her part of the plan while I brief the rest of CHSP.” Michelle jumped out of the group and headed straight for Kahn and Belle, and then walked right past them. Belle looked at Kahn he shrugged and followed.

Michelle led them to a room on the right, inside it held at least 30 of those climbing towers and then ledges and ropes were bolted to the walls. Michelle gracefully jumped on top of the first one. “This is a training room. We have only 12 hours to get you ready. So, we have to start right away. Shere Kahn. Show her how to run the course.” Michelle said.

Sheer Kahn winked at Belle and then jumped quickly onto a tower directly to their right. He climbed straight up and then pushed off to get to another tower. He then climbed up the taller tower and traversed a ledge attached to a wall. He then jumped paws only onto a ledge, moving sideways like he was Ezio’s pet and then pulled himself up, walking along a fence-like structure with grace and ease. In under two minutes, Kahn rounded the room touching at least a paw on every structure. Michelle grinned at how overwhelmed Belle was. Kahn pounced after the last one, landing lightly beside her not even breathing heavily. “I can’t do all of that!” She exclaimed. “Nope you can’t. You should probably just go home and rest.” Michelle said. Belle’s head snapped back, confused as to why Michelle was being so cruel. Kahn ignored Michelle. “You can, and you don’t have to be perfect, we just want to make sure your reflexes are ready.” Belle looked at him suspiciously but decided she’d try anyways. She cleared the first tower and climbed slowly to the top but when she jumped to the second one, she quickly realized she’d misjudged the distance and went falling hard to the ground. Michelle laughed. Kahn smiled but shouted at her to keep going. Cursing, she came back to the beginning and tried again. It took her nearly 30 minutes to clear the course, and she wasn’t cut out for the Ezio move but she landed at the end of the course with a thud and her breathe out of her lungs.

Michelle huffed and promptly left the room. Belle was out of breath but she asked, “What’s her problem?” Shere Kahn looked at her, “She is your son’s ex-girlfriend. She seems to be upset that he thought of you to come save him and not her.” He said. Pausing to let her take this in and then told her to stretch and do the course one more time. Belle, while tired seemed to find a new strength. Like her youth had been returned to her middle-aged cat reflexes. Thirty minutes later, Michelle returned to the training room. “Come eat lunch, we will explain the full plan to you there.” She said and led Belle and Shere Kahn to the original room they had entered where the frizzy haired lady had been yelling at the white board. She was gone now. Belle sat in the middle of the room where some food had been laid out for her. Michelle jumped on top of a stool. She cleared her throat and then began. “OK Belle here is the plan, at exactly 2000 hours we will leave the base and head to the location that Kuzco is being held. He is exactly 3.4 miles away, which will take us about an hour to get to since we can’t run at full speed. A group of ten cats running at full speed would attract too much attention. Anyways, when we get the base, you will enter with one of the guards there, his name is Morel and he is the other undercover cat we have at that location. He will escort you to where Kuzco is being held with their leader, Talis. All you have to do is tell them that you’re his mother, that you kicked him out and you’ve been looking for him. when you and Kuzco have safely taken a step out of the building, we will attack. Our goal will be to take down Talis and rescue the other two children they have on site. You and Kuzco will then take the two children back to base so that Kuzco can take the children back to their homes to the foster care location.” Michelle paused to make sure Belle was paying attention.

“What will I do after we save everyone?” She asked. Michelle rolled her eyes. “You’ll go back home to your human.” She said. Belle nodded. “And what about my son?”

Michelle glared at her. “He’s an agent. He has to stay here.”

Belle nodded. She understood but she hadn’t seen her son in a long time, she was going to save him and then give him up again immediately? It didn’t seem fair. Michelle finished her spiel and then Belle was encouraged to take a nap to preserve her energy. She was woken up at 19:55, she and the other cats stretched, added necessary equipment and then set out into the night of the setting sun.

The gang of cats belonging to the CHSP headed into the night on their rescue mission, they bobbed and weaved through overgrown yards and around tall trees. They jumped over obstacles and avoided cars. when they were a mile from the base and in some bushes off of the main road, Belle heard a familiar voice. She froze. Then doubled back to a suburban road. She saw a parked blue car and a tall skinny woman yelling “Belle! Belle! Come here baby girl! Come home.” It was Martha. Belle almost ran to her. She had to tell her everything was okay. That she was just going to save Kuzco, but Michelle jumped in front of her. “You can’t” She said. “What do you mean I can’t?! Get out of my way!” Belle said and attempted to go around her, but Michelle was faster than her and cut her off again. “No, if she sees you, she will take you home and then she will lock everything up so you can’t get out again and Kuzco will die and those other children will get sold as slaves.” Belle stared at her. She was right. “Belle! Belle please come home!” Martha cried again. Belle’s stomach ached. It clenched tight, knowing what she had to do. “It’ll be okay, you will return to her in the morning.” Shere Kahn said. Belle turned, reluctantly taking her eyes off her human. Please go home and be safe, I’ll be back in the morning. She thought to herself and with one last glance, she darted back into the bushes with the agents. She was quiet for the rest of the journey.

When they reached the location Kuzco and the children were being held, they all stopped 50 feet away from the entrance. Michelle appeared at Belle’s side. “Remember Belle, get in tell them your son is a druggy you just kicked out, and then get him out. We are putting this mic under your fur so we will be able to hear everything that goes on.” She said. Belle nodded as they placed it securely in the dark part of her stripes. Belle then took a deep breath and crossed the pavement to the gravel road. A cat emerged from the dark entrance. He was a larger cat with white and light tan colored stripes. Leaner than her, he could probably do that training course faster than Shere Kahn, she thought. “Who are you?” he asked. “My name is Belle, I’ve come to retrieve my son, Kuzco.” She said. The cat stopped dead in his tracks and stared at her. “So, he really DOES know his mother! That’s crazy!” The broad-shouldered cat exclaimed. Belle looked at him confused. “Don’t you already know this; you’re Morel aren’t you? The CHSP sent me to…” She said. The guard suddenly became stiff, and he lowered himself as if he were about to pounce. “I’m not Morel but thank you for informing me that Morel and your son are indeed a part of the CHSP.” He said and pounced on her.

The warehouse that Gus and two other cats led her through, was dark and abandoned this late at night but forklifts and half-finished projects filled its conveyor belts. Large dirty machines whirred in sleep mode as the group passed them. When they got to the back of the warehouse, Gus shoved her into a cage and then slammed it shut without a word. “Wait! I’m not in the CHSP why are you locking me up?!” She asked. But the group ignored her and disappeared down the gloomy hallway. Belle heard rustling in the cage next to hers and backed away, frightened. A huge brown tabby cat with a white spot over its eyes stepped into the little light in the cages. “What is this middle-aged house cat doing here?” He growled. Belle whimpered. Then she heard a familiar voice behind her, but it was somehow wiser and more confident then she remembered. “That is my mother.” The voice said. Belle turned around and saw her half Maine Coon son with almost identical fur patterns to hers, emerge from the shadows. “Kuzco! You’re alive!” Belle shouted. “Yes I am.” He said, smiling. Kuzco walked closer to her side so his nose could peek through the bars. Belle did the same and met her nose with his. “I missed you Kuzco, I thought something awful had happened to you.” She said. Kuzco bowed his head. “I’m sorry I left but people needed my help. I knew you would take good care of Martha.” Belle sat; her head lowered. “Not doing so great at that right now.” She said. Kuzco tilted his head. “You’ll be back with Martha soon. As soon as we get out of here, why aren’t we getting out of here anyways?” Kuzco asked.

“I may have let it slip that you were in the CHSP.” Belle said averting her gaze. “Mother!” Kuzco shouted. “I’m sorry!” Belle said. “We’re screwed now. Unless…. do you have a wire on you?” Kuzco asked. Belle grinned. “I do, it’s in that bit of fur.” She said pointing to a dark patch on her back with her nose. “Turn around.” Kuzco said. She did and he spoke into the mic. “Hey Michelle, it’s Kuzco, unfortunately there has been a change in plans. They know I am CHSP. Let’s run the same plan we did at that McDonald’s six months ago.” He said. Quiet followed. “Are you sure she heard?” Belle asked. Kuzco nodded. “I’m sure. They are about to take us in front of the leader. Just follow my lead.” He said. Belle nodded.

Thirty minutes later, Gus came for Belle and Kuzco, he tied a joint collar around both of their necks and then led them out of the hallway with the cages and into the main room. The first thing Belle saw was another orange tabby lying on the ground to their right. “Is that Morel?” Belle asked, whispering to Kuzco behind her. He leaned forward. “Yes, he’s not dead. Part of the…” The guard behind Kuzco hit him and yelled. “That’s enough! No whispering!”

Belle suddenly felt Kuzco freeze, she followed his gaze to their left. Martha, along with a little boy and girl were tied and gagged to chairs. Martha started to shake and cry at the sight of them, although it was muffled, Belle heard her say “Belle? Kuzco? What are you doing here?” Belle let out a long-distressed meow. “Kuzco!! They have Martha! This is all of my fault! I should have just stayed home!!” She shouted. Kuzco remained quiet, his gaze fixed ahead of them.

The guards led them past Martha and the kids and straight to a climbing castle at the back of the room. About ten cats lounged on its carpet covered supports. The cat at the top was white and had one green and one blue eye, he spoke to Kuzco. “I see your mother finally decided to join us, Kuzco.” Kuzco sat. “I’m not sure why, she’s the one that kicked me out.” He said. A smirk spread across the white cats’ face, he gestured towards Martha. “We also have the human that raised you from birth.” Kuzco scoffed at Martha. “Raised?? She is the one that got me hooked on catnip. And I ate better on the streets than I did with her.” He said.

Up until that point, the white cat hadn’t so much as glanced at Belle. He looked at her now. Belle did her best to hide the shock of Kuzco’s lies. It was a part of the plan. It had to be. She told herself. “Belle is it?” He asked. Belle nodded. “Hello Belle, my name is Talis. You mentioned something to my guard, maybe you remember it, is your son in the CHSP?” He asked. “No.” Belle said. “I’m new at this. There was a misunderstanding.” Talis’ eyes raised. “Oh? and what was that?” He asked. “The CHSP heard about what Kuzco did to protect the little boy, they sent me in an attempt to recruit him.” Belle said. “It was a mistake, Talis. It won’t happen again.” Kuzco interjected. He turned to his mother. “And no, I don’t want to join the CHSP.” He said harshly.

Talis chuckled. “The CHSP are so desperate for recruits that they sent a middle-aged house cat to convince you, unfortunately for them, cats are finally evolving away from relying on Stockholm induced protection that the humans provide.” Kuzco glared at his mother. “I completely agree. We deserve to be free and be the predators that we really are.” Kuzco said. The rest of Talis’ henchmen meowed in agreement. “Quiet, quiet everyone.” Talis said. “Now the question is, what do we do with your mother?” He asked Kuzco. Kuzco shrugged. “I don’t care, she is nothing to me.” Talis chuckled again. “Gus, drag Morel outside, take Belle out there as well and make sure they are put down as ‘humanely’ as possible.” He said with a wink, but Gus groaned. “Both of them at the same time??” Talis rolled his eyes. “If that is too hard on you, make Belle drag him out there.” He waved his paw to shoo him away. “And untie Kuzco.” Talis said.

Gus did as he was told, removing the joint collar from Kuzco and yanking Belle to the lifeless body behind them, he tied the collar to Morel so that Belle would have to drag him by herself.

Belle was exhausted and not in as much shape as she had been a couple years ago but she somehow managed to drag Morel out of the main room and into the hallway. Gus following closely behind griping at her to move faster. They finally made it down the hallway and out the side door. Belle shook the whole time. She knew Kuzco had said Morel was playing dead but what if he’d been wrong? He certainly felt dead to her. Belle’s muscles ached. She wanted to collapse, but as soon as they got outside, Gus went around to Belle but before he could carry out Talis’ sentence, Morel popped up. He was one hundred percent alive. Since Morel’s and Belle’s necks were tied together by the collar, he jumped on his hind legs and rotated in the air. kicking Gus from behind. Gus rolled to the side. “Together.” Morel whispered while Gus was still down. Although she was tired, the adrenaline was now pumping through her veins. Belle nodded and they pounced on Gus. Just then, the bushes around them began to rustle and an instant later, they sprang to life as a dozen cats emerged from them. Belle and Morel continued to hold Gus down as they heard Michelle shouting, “Ariel and Crista grab Gus and put a collar on him! The rest follow formation TX2!” The gang of cats converged on the door and disappeared into the building. An impatient silence followed while Ariel and Crista untied Belle and Morel. The five of them waited, not taking their eyes off the door and Gus.

Belle kept her eyes on the door nervous out of her mind. Her son and Martha were still in there. Morel looked at her. “Give it a second, they will come out.” He said. But Belle wasn’t so sure. She stared at the door, waiting and watching, hoping for some appearance of life.

Finally, although it was dark, her eyes could see Kuzco emerging from the side door. Behind him, Martha and the kids came out of the door as well, they were all dirty and limping a little, but they were alive. Then the dozen or so cats and Michelle burst out of the door as well. They all wore triumphant smiles. Belle ran to Kuzco and Martha and the kids. “What happened? Are you guys okay?” She asked. Kuzco smiled. “Yes, we are fine. The plan ran smoothly. Although, Talis was able to escape before we could apprehend him.” Kuzco said. Martha and the kids collapsed in the grass. Belle went over to her, rubbing on her leg and meowing to let her know that she was happy that she was safe. “What are you doing here Belle? What happened Kuzco?” Martha asked. She was a confused wreck. Michelle came around Martha and spoke to Kuzco and Belle. “We can’t stay here; we have to get them back to base and have their memories from tonight turned into dreams so that they can go home. And Kuzco, you have to get the other little boy to safety.” They nodded. Belle and Kuzco rubbed up against Martha and then started walking in the direction of base. Martha was confused at first but realized what they wanted and urged the kids to stand and follow as well.

The journey home took a while because the kids and Martha were exhausted, but they managed to make it back to base. Martha and the kids were directed to a room upstairs where a machine turned their kidnapping and rescue into a dream. Belle sat in the middle of the room where she’d first met the frizzy haired woman and Michelle the day before, while the other little boy Kuzco has risked his life for clinged to him. Michelle jumped to the podium again. “Well Belle, you had a few blunders at the beginning, but you did a good job of working with your son and with Morel.” She said. Sheer Kahn and Morel grinned on both sides of Michelle. “We all think..” Michelle reluctantly continued. “…that you’d make a great addition to the team.”

Belle was almost speechless. She looked at her son, who smiled. But then back at the room where Martha was getting her memory modified. “I did have fun and I’m glad everything turned out okay, but I rather like my life with Martha. And she needs me.” Belle said to Michelle who looked entirely too thrilled that she’d said no. “But you are always welcome to return if you need a vacation, Kuzco. I’ve missed you a lot.” Belle said. Kuzco nodded. “I think I can manage that.” Just then, the door opened, and Martha and the kids emerged in a dazed state. Belle stood, ready to go home and take a nap. “Sheer Kahn will escort you back home. Kuzco take the boy to a foster location.” Michelle said. Sheer Kahn left her side and trotted over to Belle. Belle flicked her tail and smiled at Kuzco as they walked out. “Love you son!” She yelled. “Love you mom!” Kuzco yelled back.

The darkest part of the night had ended as the small group walked in the twilight of the early morning. A couple cars passed every few minutes, but a sleepy silence stretched between them. After twenty minutes of walking, they crossed the street together and huddled on the sidewalk with the apartment complex on their right. Belle remembered when she’d passed through here the day before, she’d been uncertain and they’d been running at full speed, now she couldn’t get her mind off of her bed and whirring Xbox to lull her to sleep. “Thank you for walking us home.” Belle said to Shere Kahn. “No problem.” He replied.

They continued to walk, approaching the edge of the first apartments, Belle looked behind her to make sure Martha and the kids were still following, when she heard a loud angry hiss cut through the morning in front of her. Belle quickly looked back in front of her and saw a dirty mangy white cat and Shere Kahn tumbling off the sidewalk and into the road together. Martha shouted. Belle watched as her escort scrapped and howled at Talis for the upper hand, but the angry cat was pinning him to the ground.

For a moment, Belle was frozen, not sure what to do. But she couldn’t leave Sheer Kahn defenseless taken down from a surprise attack. She ran, jumped off the sidewalk edge and pounced on Talis. Talis rolled a couple feet away standing between them and Martha and the kids. He stood, arched his back and growled at them. Belle and Shere Kahn scrambled to their feet. They arched their backs and hissed at Talis in unison. Talis growled. “How dare you come in and ruin everything? How dare you think you could stand up to me?! You lazy house cat!” He shouted.

Martha shouted from the sidewalk for them to stop it. But the cats ignored her. “If a house cat could take everything from you, I wonder what that makes you?” Belle shouted back. Furious, Talis reared up and pounced at Belle. But Belle jumped to the right at the last second, dodging him. Talis flailed into the middle of the road. All at once, they heard the car approaching and saw the bright headlights on Talis. Belle jumped towards Talis to shove him out of the way, but it was too late. The car ran over him without even a thud. The car drove off completely unaware.

Belle let out a mournful shriek and the kids and Martha cried. Shere Kahn walked over to Belle and patted her on the back. “Come on Belle, let’s go home.” With tails hanging low, they walked the remaining distance home. The kids walked up to their apartment, where their mom hadn’t even known they were gone, and Martha stumbled half asleep into her apartment. She quickly dialed her phone calling roadside service that a poor cat had been ran over. Belle stayed outside for a second and turned to Shere Kahn. “Thank you for everything.” She said. Kahn nodded. “No thank you, without you, your son and that boy would have died. Now Kuzco can continue saving children and anyone that needs him.” He said. Belle smiled. “If you ever change your mind and want to join the CHSP, I’ll be in the neighborhood.” Kahn said. Belle nodded. “Doubtful, but I’ll let you know. Keep an eye on Kuzco for me?” She asked. Shere Kahn nodded “Of course.” Belle grinned wearily then turned and entered the apartment, nudging the door closed behind her, she then found Martha already lying in bed. Belle jumped onto the bed with her and curled into a ball. Martha patted her on the head and they both quickly fell asleep.

THE END

Thank you for reading!!

Presentation given by: John Gottman

This information is from a video given by John Grottman based on a lot of research, I merely typed it out because the video is rather long. The video and link to his website are given at the end of this article.

Research

• studied over 3,000 couples over 32 years
• videos of couples doing ordinary things
• videos of couples talking about an area of continuing disaggreement
• built an apt lab where couples hang out for 24 hours
  • recorded them
  • took stress measurements in blood and urine
  • analyzed facial expressions
• couples of all different stages
• overtime
  • some couples broke up
  • some couples stayed together but were unhappy
  • and some couples, their relationship got better and better and were happy

Masters – couples that stayed together, got better and better and were overall happyDisasters – couples that broke up or stayed together unhappily

What was different?

• Research allowed him to predict with over 90% accuracy who would be masters or disasters
• In fact could predict within a 15 min conversation of watching them in an area of continuing disagreement with over 65% whether or not they would divorce

The Theory

During conflict, the positive stuff (being kind, asking questions, showing empathy) and the negative stuff (crticism, hostility, hurt feelings, anger) being expressed had to be at a ratio of 5 to 1. Five times as much positive things in a conflict as negative things during conflict.Couples that wound up divorced had a ratio of 0.8 to 1.0. More negative than positive.
And if you’re just hanging out, no conflict, then the ratio has to be like 20:1.
But it’s important to remember that not all negative is bad. There has to be some to grow and to develop a need for renewed courtship.

Are some negative things worse than others?

Four horseman of the apocalypse – if these are present they are the biggest indicator that the relationship will break up.

1. Criticism
   • disasters – take the problem/conflict and put it inside the other person. essentially saying that the other person is the essence of the problem, a way of complaining that suggests your partner’s personality is defective, ACCUSATORY
   • masters – they still complain but talk about the complaint coming from the angle of themselves, what they are feeling and what they need
2. Defensive
   • when met with a complaint, disasters get defensive – they respond with righteous indignation by meeting a complaint with another complaint or they play the part of the innocent victim and whine
   • instead of getting defensive, masters accept responsibility, for the portion of the problem that belongs to them
3. Disrespect/Contempt
   • feel superior to partner, speaking from a higher plane, talking down
   • they might feel cleaner, more organized, more intelligent and therefore feel like they are a better person
   • disasters talk down to partner, make snobby and contemptuous comments, directly insulting , name calling
   • masters – show respect, proud of the one that they love and create a culture of appreciation even for small things, communicating respect, habit of mind where they are constantly scanning the environment for things they do wrong
4. Stonewalling
   • no emotional vocalization or participation in conversations, withdrawal, not being heard
   • disasters pull away and dont participate in conflict management

These were interesting but what are the masters doing to maintain and build intimacy?Friendship is super important and there are three ingredients to friendship and building intimacy

1. Enhance love maps
   • internal map that you have in your mind about partners’ inner world
   • feeling that partner is interested in knowing you
   • interest in one another
   • what stresses them out, what excites them, what are their aspirations, values
   • find out this stuff by asking questions
   • OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS – not questions like planning or cleaning, more open ended that require some thought
   • some do this naturally, others dont but very easy to fix
   • make 50% of questions openended
2. Fondness and Admiration
   • communicating respect and affection in very small ways
   • creating a CULTURE OF APPRECIATION – saying thank you, I respect you, I really like that you do this and doing it often
   • not enough to think it, communicate it
   • even for trivial things
3. Bids for emotional connection and turning towards
   • A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection
   • we make very small and big bids to one another for attention
   • for example: You are standing at the window of the apartment and you see a boat and you say “well there’s a pretty boat”
     • I can give no response. Not say anything and this is called turning away – it is  hurtful and damaging over time
     • I can give a minimal response. By grunting in your direction or saying yeah. This is minimal but it’s still considered turning towards.
     • I can turn towards in an enthusiastic way. I get up and go look and say “Wow that is a really pretty boat! would you ever want a boat like that?” This is obviously the most beneficial.
     • The absolute worst would be to criticize the other person, and is the most damaging. but any kind of turning away is extremely damaging over time.
   • types of bids
     • simple bids – winks or smiles or nods of awareness, asking simple questions like how do I look?  sharing each other’s day, responding to sighs or indications that the other isnt feeling okay,
     • more complex bids – asking for advice or help, requesting favors, showing interest in accomplishments or projects that the other has put effort in, helping one another destress when they complain about being tired,  responding to physical touches or when asked to be affectionate, activities together,
     • if you read this article, love it and send it to your significant other to read and discuss with you, then that’s a bid too!
     • It’s important to remember that a bid doesn’t require agreement, merely acknowledgment or discussion
     • this is basically where love languages shows up a lot
   • relationships that last turn towards one another on average, 86% of the time, relationships that dont last turn towards one another on average, 33% of the time

Even in relationships that last, 69% of problems remain unresolved – perpetual problems

Every relationship, no matter who you are with inherits their set of perpetual problems. What matters is how you deal with them together.

Disasters – get to gridlock and refuse to compromise on these problems, they often insist on changing the other person

Masters – create a dialogue around the problems, even a sense of humor and develop ways around the problems to cope

i.e. one partner is messy vs. one is organized etc.

that leaves 31% of problems as solvable

Masters maintain a sense of GENTLENESS. When presenting the problem they have a soft start up that is gentle and not accusatory and is instead a place of vulnerability and from their own sense of selfi.e. “I’ve been feeling lonely lately and I miss you, could we spend some time together soon. You really make me so happy”instead of:”you never spend any time with me, you must hate being with me!”

Accepting influence

In disagreements/arguments/conflict – both parties must be willing to accept influence from the other personmasters really listened and said things like “good point” “I like that idea” etc vs. saying no and rejecting all thoughts and influence from the other personaccording to the study – women accept influence at a high levelwhile men struggled with this a lot and the men that did accept influence: the relationships stayed together!

Turn Towards Instead of Away

Paul knocked on the door, frowning down at his clipboard.”Come in!” He heard a deep voice shout from inside the room. “Ah Paul, good to see you, how are you today?” Asked the old man behind the desk. “Well, God I was just reviewing our soul mate algorithm for the upcoming generation….” Paul said, flipping through pages.”Have a seat dear boy, let’s talk about it.” God said with a grin and a gesture towards the wooden chairs across from his desk. Paul smiled at his boss. Sure he was 2,000 years old but he’d always be a boy to the entity that had been conscious for billions of years.

God reached down for his glasses to look at the papers Paul had handed him. Again Paul smiled, God could take any form he wanted but he often took the old man form since it was the way many humans saw him and felt the most comfortable with him. But Paul had been dead for nearly 2000 years and interacted with him almost every Earth day since but he still sometimes found himself stuttering over his sentences in his presence. God looked at him over his glasses. “So what seems to be the problem?” He asked.

“Well,” Paul said, retrieving some of the papers. “As you know, Earth has been increasing in globalization in the last 500 years, which has increased the interaction of different cultures and races. But as time passes, it becomes more and more evident that this actually causes people to be more discriminatory. Humans have such an “us versus them” mentality that they don’t realize how much it cripples them in finding love and happiness.” Paul explained. God nodded his sad approval. “Our current algorithm for placing human soul mates is more random right? With some preferences for location and age?” Paul smiled. Of course God knew what the algorithm’s current settings were, he just liked to give Paul the chance to explain himself. “Yes, the current algorithm for finding your soul mate is more random but it does try to place soul mates within a closer distance of one another and for them to be closer in age, but not always. Race was never a factor in our algorithm before. But I’m noticing a trend.” He said.

God frowned. “What is that?” He asked. “As different races have moved closer together, the soul mate algorithm has naturally placed people’s soul mates in people of a different race more and more often. But they are refusing one another. Or one is refusing the other based on race and their ‘preference.’

God looked back down at the paperwork. It listed thousands maybe even millions of people that had been close to their soul mate but because of racial prejudice had overlooked them or even mocked them! The person that would have helped them grow and feel loved for the rest of their lives, shunned to the side merely because of the color of their skin or because of feared judgment from others. “I feel like I told them to love and respect one another, right?” God said in an exasperated tone. Paul chuckled. “We all did. But every generation has to learn again. And as globalization continues, this polarization of dealing with race will only get worse if we don’t do something.” Paul said. “I mean really, of all the things to get hung up on, they are the most concerned about the melanin in the other person’s skin?! Avoiding happiness, love and self growth based on how easily the other one absorbs Vitamin D from the sun.” God ranted. Paul shrugged. “You did sort of create us to be visual.””Yeah, so you could appreciate the beauty of a flower not think one flower is better than the other. You are all UNIQUE but not BETTER than the other.” He continued. Paul nodded, letting his boss get frustrated. “I know and you knew this might be a consequence of visual appreciation but I think if we add a racial component to the algorithm, we could reverse the effects.” He said. God interlaced his fingers. “I think this could cause an increased polarization but if enough follow their heart, then it would change the cultural bias.” He said. Paul nodded, “My thoughts exactly.”

“Alright then, go ahead and change the coding in the algorithm. I would prefer the soul mates to be in races that they specifically refuse to be with. We need to put some pressure on their cultural norms so they learn to love one another again.” God said.Paul nodded, and stood, stacking his papers as he exited the room.God sighed and whispered to himself, “I’m definitely not looking forward to all of the prayers whining that they can’t find love.”

Once again my inspiration for writing a blog comes from a meme that has greatly irritated me due to it’s oversimplification of a complex topic.

The meme states that your mental health is more important than the combination of importance assigned to your career, money, other people’s opinions, events you said you would attend, your partners mood and your families wishes. And that if you need to let someone down to boost your mental health then you should do so without batting an eye. 

The further implication of this meme is that mental health is more important than anything and everything else. Which I will argue against momentarily, but first I want to tackle what the meme is actually addressing.

What is mental health? 

Definition: a person’s condition with regard to their psychological, emotional and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others and make healthy choices. 

Mental Illness – there are over 300 mental disorders listed in the DSM-5. Which are grouped into Mood disorders (such as depression or bipolar disorder), anxiety disorders, personality disorders, psychotic disorders, eating disorders, trauma related disorders and substance abuse disorders. 

Mental illness and mental health are often used interchangeably but they do not mean the same thing. Good mental health is not the absence of mental illnesses and bad mental health does not indicate the presence of a mental illness.

The sad truth is, if you have depression or other mental illnesses, it’s unlikely that they will ever go away. And it’s largely out of your control. The symptoms may or may not strike you at any moment without mercy. Or they may have an ongoing presence. This is something you’re going to have to accept. But even within your mental illness you can work to have good mental health. Good mental health doesn’t translate to being happy all of the time. And it’s not associated with vapid positivity either. So then, what exactly is good mental health? 

Before I discuss the more professional descriptions, ask yourself, what is good mental health to me? What does it mean to me? Is that attainable? Write it down if you can so you can compare later.

Mental health, just like our brains, is complex. Having ‘good’ mental health is more of a culmination of your ability to cope with stress, to accomplish things, cultivate relationships, and realize your own potential. People who have good mental health, have strong resilience. They are confident in themselves that they will be able to face new situations and new people, they feel optimistic most of the time, they don’t place blame on themselves unrealistically, and they overall have a high self-esteem. For people with a mental illness, accomplishing good mental health will be harder but it’s not impossible. And you can have bad self esteem issues and struggle to feel optimistic without having a mental illness. 

Now back to the meme. It implies that in our world it is always our mental health vs. everything else. Your mental health is more important than your career, your mental health is more important than your money, your mental health is more important then other people’s opinions or your friends, your mental health is more important then the events you said you’d attend, your mental health is more important than your partners mood or your romantic relationship, and your mental health is more important than what your family wants. And if you have to let someone down to take care of your mental health, then you should do it. But by definition, mental health encompasses and is affected by all of these things, therefore it makes no sense to say that mental health is more important than them. They are intertwined. 

Having a job that you enjoy most of the time and gives you the freedom you want, contributes to your mental health. Having friends to support you when you need it contributes to your mental health. Having a significant other that you can be yourself around and who listens to you contributes to your mental health. But there is always a trade off. Sometimes your best friend calls you at midnight because something awful has happened and she needs you to talk to. You are sacrificing your sleep to be there for her. But overall, throughout the length of the relationship the sacrifices we make for people should be worth it. What we say yes to and what we say no to should be balanced to promote overall good mental health and maintain healthy relationships with the people we care about. But this is constantly being calibrated and reevaluated based on the relationships we are engaging in. 

Often you need to take a step back and evaluate how someone is impacting your life from an overall perspective.  This is difficult because we are often very biased when evaluating our own behavior in comparison to another person’s behavior. But with practice, experience and additional perspectives, we can learn to recognize relationships that deserve more effort vs. less effort. 

This is why I disagree with the statement made in the meme. There is nothing wrong with making sacrifices for the people that you love and care about, but always ask yourself if they would do something equally as difficult for you or if they are deserving of your efforts. 

If I promised a friend I’d go to their birthday party and I’m in a grouchy mood, I will weigh letting down and missing out on a party I want to go to and may feel regret after when the pictures are posted and I wasn’t there to laugh at the jokes and create another memory. Sometimes I choose not to go. Sometimes I force myself to go and clear my schedule for the day after so I have some time to unwind. 

I remember when I saw Luke Combs live, it was years ago at a super small venue in Fort Worth before he got big so the tickets had been really cheap. I was maximum irritated and grouchy and fed up with the human race that day but I forced myself to go because of how badly I wanted to see him live and I knew it would probably be my only chance to do so. And I was right. 

There are countless examples where I sacrificed my mental stability in the moment to gain something else long term. and I don’t regret it. And there are also countless examples where I backed out of something for my mental stability in the moment and I didn’t regret that either. I honestly believe that this simply takes practice, experience and self awareness to perfect. If you are paying attention, to why and when you make the decisions you do, you’ll be able to create lasting good mental health for yourself. 

What are you doing too much of right now? Do you compromise your mental health frequently to sustain relationships? Or do you find yourself so consumed with controlling your mental health that you lose friends frequently?

One year ago today, my Mom died.

Grief is such an odd thing to process. A year later, I try to assess how I’m doing. But the criteria for doing so, is so subjective. Do I seem to be functioning as an adult? Mostly. Not too much different than before she died. But do I still break down because I can’t call her up and just talk to her? Yes. I try to think of friends I can trust like I did her, and everyone comes up short. Not to slight my friends, I have a lot that love me and care about me. But in comparison to how a mother loves their child, everyone else loves you under conditions. Everyone else judges you. And no one is trustworthy.

When I’m down, I try to think about what she would tell me.

“I don’t care what you did, you’re better.”

It wasn’t like I thought she was always right. Normally, I’d roll my eyes at her dismissal of my mistakes. But there was a part of me that after hearing that my mom still loved me, despite something that I did or said, helped me breathe a sigh of relief. And I’d think, did I screw up? Yes. Does my mom still love me? Yes. Alright then, fix the mistake or learn from it and now you’re good. Such a simple reminder from my mother and I’d kick myself out of my pity party and take care of business.

Now it takes longer. And it’s lonelier.

And I can’t talk about how she died because it makes people uncomfortable. There’s never a right time to bring up how your mom was murdered in new friendships. So I just don’t bring it up or I awkwardly blurt it out. And then I get mad because how she died is more interesting than who she was.

And the worst part is that the court case hasn’t even happened yet. I was recently subpoenaed which means I might give a testimony. So I find myself stuck in this limbo trying to figure out how much I’m allowed to continue to be sad about it, how much I’m still allowed to miss her or be upset about her last moments, and how much I want to remember her when she was actually herself and not talk about my mom after he changed her. I hold out for the trial to bring some closure so I feel like I need to hold on to that pain and anger until that date when she hopefully gets the justice that she deserves. But then I’m afraid that after the trial, I’ll just forget about her. I’ll lose the sadness and the reasons why I miss her. So I hope the trial never comes, and I can hold on to my grief and postpone closure. I don’t want her to be forgotten.

And while I wait, I work to appear normal and not vulnerable, because I don’t want the most interesting thing about me to be that my mom was killed. I don’t want her death to define me. I want her life, and how she loved and smiled and danced and sang to be what lives on through me.

A year later, and I still don’t know if I’m ‘handling it well.’ All I know is that I still miss her.