Level 28

In honor of my 28^th birthday I want to write 28 things I’m grateful for and 28 things I want to accomplish.

I’m so incredibly thankful for my Dad and my stepmom. I don’t see them enough. I don’t do enough for them and I don’t thank them enough for the amazing example that they show myself and my brothers and sisters everyday on how to treat one another with laughter, adventure and love. I love my Dad and I look up to him and respect him in more ways than I can express. And my stepmom is one of the kindest and most genuine women I know and I thank her so much for treating me like her own daughter. When I was going through a hard time and didn’t talk to them for months, they accepted me right back into the family and love me as I am.
I really hope everyone isn’t getting sick of hearing this but I’m really thankful for the time I had with my mom. It wasn’t long enough but I’m so incredibly grateful that I was as close to her as I was. And I was lucky because I moved through my rebellious stage and times that I struggled personally where I didn’t talk to her and then she just accepted me back into her life without even a hesitation. I’m so happy I got the time I did because even though she wasn’t perfect, she taught me how to love unconditionally.
My brothers and sisters. I have 3 younger brothers and a younger sister on my mom’s side. And I have 2 younger sisters and 2 younger brothers on my Dad’s side. And I’m so incredibly grateful to have them all in my life and watch them grow up. I am happy that they are healthy and I love how incredible they are. Each one is special, talented, intelligent, driven, responsible, hardworking, loving, forgiving, beautiful, handsome and just plain cool. I brag about them like they are my own kids and I can’t wait to watch them grow up and become the amazing people I know that they are. Jacob, Zaina, Ethan, Malaika, Zachary, Dylan, Lauren, and Michael, I love you all to pieces!
I’m grateful for my grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. For their wisdom, love and support every time I get to see them, even if it isn’t as often as I’d like.
I am so grateful to have my boyfriend in my life. I wont get to sappy here. But let’s just say that he’s an amazing man and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that he’s interested in me like he is.
I have two jobs that are flexible, accommodating, happy to have me and are completely covering my bills and paying for opportunities to travel because a year ago I had no job and things did not look so bright.
I am extremely grateful that I was able to finish the first draft of a novel that I’ve been working on for an embarrassing length of time. It still needs a lot of work but I’m so proud of myself for getting this first big step done.
I’m grateful that I have friends that have been there for me during some incredibly difficult times. And no matter how long we go without talking or seeing each other, they will be there for me and me for them and I hope they know that. You know who you are.
I’m also really grateful for my health. I’ve cut back on drinking and because of that, I’ve gotten better sleep and all around feel happier. Although I need to get some work done on my teeth (who doesn’t), I am healthy and capable.
I’m really grateful for the amount of passion that I have. I know that it is this that has pushed me through a lot of hard times. I know it was my passion and stubbornness that helped me dry my tears and do things that were hard. And I know that it is that drive that will get me through anything I have to face in my life in the future.
I’m thankful my car works pretty well and is completely legal.
I’m happy I have my cat to love me and crawl on me in the morning.
I’m happy that I can afford to keep a roof over my head.
I’m grateful that the man that killed my mom got caught.
I’m happy that it’s finally the first day of fall and the hottest days are behind us. (knocks on wood)
I’m extremely grateful that I’m going to rome in less than a month and a half and that I’ll have a companion.
I’m grateful for the dancing world that I got to enter and learn from because it taught me a lot of things to live in the moment and helped me develop better balance.
I’m grateful that after finishing my first draft of my other story, I immediately got another idea for another story and was able to start working on it.
I’m grateful that I have the ability to grow and learn from my mistakes, even if it might take me longer than it should, I’m happy that I’m able to see my mistakes and move on from them eventually.
I’m grateful for the relationships that I’ve had. Even though they didn’t last, I learned something and they were not a waste.
I’m grateful for coffee and tacos. Because they really are amazing.
I’m grateful for Panera Bread and it’s magical abilities to allow my creative ideas to flow, even if they aren’t that good, it at least feels like I’m making progress.
I’m grateful for Masterclass and my friends that bought it for me because it has been instrumental in inspiring me to write and read again like I used to.
I’m grateful I have my laptop to write on.
I’m grateful that I have this blog with over 200 followers now!! Even if only one of you actually read my stuff, who reads it is out of my control and that is really freeing and frightening at the same time.
I’m grateful that I’ve lived long enough to meet the people I have, to do what I’ve done so far and to grow how I’ve grown because a lot of people never get that.
I’m grateful for the journal that a friend bought me because it’s really helped me contain my crazy.
I’m grateful for everything and everyone else because I ran out of things to say. 😊

28 Things that I will accomplish

I will publish my book. The one I’ve been working on forever. I don’t care if it isn’t the one to become successful. I will publish it and finish what I started.
I will publish 10 more books after that
And become a bestselling novelist. It’s a lofty goal. And I probably never thought it was possible and even now if it didn’t come true, I wouldn’t be terribly upset. But, nevertheless, it is the goal I’m chasing after.
I want to have kids. Ideally 4. But I’d be the happiest person on the planet with just one.
I want to get married. And because the universe likes to play games, I want a marriage like my Dad’s and Wanja’s NOT like my Mom’s and ex-stepfathers.
If I’m not writing, I want to read as many books as I can get my hands on.
I will get better at drawing. Not for any reason other than it’s fun and I like being able to see what I created.
I would like to get better at painting.
I want to get decent at cooking. Because cooking is actually pretty fun.
I want to learn to play the violin.
I will travel to Rome.
And to Tokyo
And to Cairo
And to Athens all hopefully with my traveling buddy.
I will pay off my student loans and my other debt
I will spend as much time with my family as possible because I know time with them is never promised.
I will continue to get better at dancing but not make it my entire life.
I will continue to write blogs that are beneficial to at least one other person and keep me honest.
I will continue to push myself to be everything I know that I can be but also learn to go easy on myself when I should be.
No matter how much I struggle I will continue to be the best person I can be and not hurt others.
And if I fail, I will have the humility to admit my faults and swallow my ego and apologize.
I will learn to control what I can in my life and let go of what I can’t.
I will become the best wife and mother that I can possibly be and hope that my faults are forgiven when they are revealed.
I will focus as much as I can on my goals but learn when to set them aside so that I can be there for the people that I love when they need me.
I will learn to enjoy stability and accept that it isn’t always boring.
Whatever I learn, I promise to teach to others to the best of my ability because my lessons and ideas are not just for me. As Werner said “there is something greater than our own personal growth”
I will not leave my keys in my car as often.
I will step into this next year with intention and take every single step after that with intention. Even if it’s the wrong one. I will know that I’m doing my best.

5 Things I learned after My Mom Died

I needed her way more than I thought I did. I need people in general way more than I thought I did. And I’m learning that that isn’t a weakness. Accepting that I need people was a difficult thing for me to do. I wanted all of my life to be independent and self-sustaining and if I felt myself needing someone, I felt vulnerable and would back away. Hence, I found myself going after relationships that I could hold at arms length. But denying the need and going after things that could never fulfill it did not make the need go away. It just hurt me and caused me pain in other ways. So now I stand boldly and say I need you and I’m ok with you needing me. Because we are all stronger if we stand together.
People don’t listen to you no matter how honest you are. They still do what they want and make decisions on their own. But still be honest. Be as honest as you can to your loved ones and the people that you care about. Don’t beat around the bush. Even if you’re afraid that you might lose them with your honesty. Sometimes that’s all we can do for one another is to be honest and love them.
There is no such thing as destiny. No such thing as you will find your true love and everything you deserve. The universe owes you nothing. No matter how horrible your life was, you don’t deserve anything or anyone. The only thing that you can control is your choices. And some of those choices could take your life the next day. And then other times, you could make all of the right choices and still, tomorrow isn’t promised. All you have is right now and the hope that the next choice you make will keep you alive a little longer.
A lot of people really suck at helping people who are grieving. (Warning: irritated rant). No I’m not ok. Please stop asking me. And please stop saying “I can only imagine how you’re feeling.” It shouldn’t be that difficult, Karen. Imagine your mother getting murdered and the depth of sorrow and loss you would feel. There. Now you can imagine it. It’s really shitty isn’t it? Don’t tell me time will heal all wounds. Losing my Mom isn’t a wound. This isn’t a 16 year old boy telling me I’m ugly. Losing my Mom is like amputating my right leg. I lost something that will affect me and my siblings for the rest of our lives. And there will always be something missing at every family gathering and big event and everytime I wish I could call her and talk to her. Amputated legs don’t heal. You just learn to live without them. Don’t tell me life will go on. Don’t tell me to stay positive. I honestly shouldn’t have to explain why this makes me want to punch you in the throat. I appreciate your attempt to identify with me by mentioning how your 80 year old grandma died of cancer but it’s not the same. It’s not even close to being the same. And you know that so why even bother bringing it up? Thank you for saying that you’re here if I need you but I think you know that I wont ask for anything because what I really want is my Mom to be alive again. If there’s something you are willing to do and think you should do; then do it. Also stop telling me not to blame myself. I don’t blame myself. He is the one that pulled the trigger. But the truth is that I most likely would have been able to convince her to leave if I had talked to her face to face. Because I knew my mother and the relationship that we had. I’d actually been planning on going up there soon to get her away from him and talk to her. But everything happened so fast. But that understanding is different than blaming myself. For example, when Drogo is killed by the witch lady in Game of Thrones, nobody blames Dany. Dany loved her husband and didn’t want him to die. But she made choices and trusted the wrong person and that ultimately led to his death. But that is the truth of the story. And the truth of my Mom’s story is that she made choices that led to her being in the position where he could kill her. It isn’t her fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not my brother’s fault. It is no one’s fault apart from the person that killed her. And thinking about her story and what led up to it and what maybe could have changed the outcome is not blaming her or myself. And it honestly pisses me off when you shut down that dialogue with “stop blaming yourself.” If I am not allowed to discuss alternative outcomes then you are telling me that her death was inevitable and that there was nothing anyone could of done anywhere ever, which implies that other women in the same situation are just destined to be murdered and there is no way to help them. And that is ridiculous. We should be talking about what could have been done, because that is the only way to prevent it from happening to someone else.
A lot of people are really amazing at helping each other grieve. Several people have held me while I cried my heart out. One of my friends bought me a bunch of lessons on writing because he knows that writing is how I deal with things. Another friend that works at red river put two tables together with yellow balloons on the night of my mom’s dance memorial and dozens of people wore yellow that night while they danced because it was her favorite color even though most had never met her. My Dad drove an hour each way and talked to me for three hours Sunday night. My mom loved to garden and had actually planted the flowers outside of the funeral home that held her service. So at her funeral, they had a wheelbarrow of small plants outside and asked everyone to take one and plant it in her honor. And those were just a few of the ways that people show that they cared, so just know that I appreciate you all and everything that you’ve done for me and for her.

Crayons

Author’s note: I wrote this last night while I was serving on the back of the paper I use to take orders. It’s really short and mostly just for fun. Thank you for reading!!

“BA BA!” I shouted. But mother wouldn’t listen. I shouted at father. Also, neglecting me. How could they not see the beautiful girl sitting high atop her chair three tables down from me? I threw my red crayon in her direction. Maybe she’d hear the noise and turn to me so I could just have a moment with her. But, I do not yet have the strength of my father and the crayon barely rolled past my mother. I stared at it as if my world was falling apart.

“Here you go sweetie.” Said the waitress as she handed me back my red crayon from the floor. YES!! MORE AMMO!! I SHALL TRY A NEW TACTIC! I threw the crayon at mother. It clanked against her plate of eggs and sausage. “What is it honey?” She asked. Mother knew. Mother always knew when I was trying to tell her something. Communicating it, however, was a different story. So far, we’d developed a satisfactory way of conversing. Angry cries meant I was hungry. Sad cries meant I needed my diaper changed and when I smiled, it meant that I wanted her to hold me close. But I had yet to come up with a cry that meant: the girl of my dreams is three tables down. Become friends with the parents so we can organize play dates! I sighed. My vocabulary wasn’t sophisticated enough for love. Mother leaned in and kissed me on the nose; unaware of my internal struggle.

I was going to lose her. I knew it. I stared down at my mashed potatoes, ready to bury my head in them, when I heard the sound of something small falling to the ground to my right. I turned.

A green crayon was rolling towards me. Almost two tables away. I looked up at the girl I’d been trying to gain the attention of; her big brown eyes were staring straight at me. She smiled. I smiled back. I went to wave with my left hand and realized I had one blue crayon left. I threw it at her. It rolled past my table again. We watched it as it came to a stop. Miles from her and her green crayon. But we smiled at each other. Then the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, was picked up by her father and carried out of the restaurant.