7 Reasons You Don’t Get Asked to Dance as Often as You Want

If you find yourself thinking “Why don’t I get asked to dance more often?” or “Why am I always told no, when I ask someone to dance?” And you are sick of the vapid encouraging responses on social media that don’t seem to be helping anything as you continue to stand on the sidelines for what feels like every song? Then continue reading this article because I’m about to give you the honest hard-to-swallow truth as to why you are being avoided or not asked to dance as often as you’d like. Since I am a follow the majority of this article will be aimed at follows but some of it will apply to leads as well.

1. The Leads are only interested in one thing

Having spent years in the country scene it becomes painfully obvious the second you step foot into a country bar that many of the leads are only interested in hooking up. This means that they will often only ask girls to dance that they think they have a shot with. This means that if you are standing next your husband, boyfriend or even an imposing male friend and they think for two seconds that you might be taken, then you will not get asked to dance as often. Granted many leads don’t care if someone is taken and will ask a follow to dance anyways. Some leads may even ask your man if it’s ok if they ask you to dance first, don’t take this as an accusation that they see you as his property. Culturally, it is a sign that they respect your relationship.

Also if a large enough number of men are only interested in one thing, then if they aren’t attracted to you, then they won’t ask you to dance. Of course not all leads are interested in this but it is the dominating reason men ask a girl to dance at a country bar. I’m also not shooting down romantic endeavors in the dance scenes, many amazing and healthy relationships are born between two people that love to dance and met doing the thing that they love. But if you are in a country dance hall and you are sending the signal that you are taken or not available, then the frequency that you will be asked to dance goes down.

2. The Leads think the follows are only interested in one thing

On the flip-side, a lot of leads are there just to dance because they love to dance! But many of them may avoid a follow if she is coming across way too desperate, thirsty or is dressed in a way that is too revealing. The first reason is that many leads have girlfriends and wives and they feel awkward dancing with a girl with her ass cheeks out. The second reason is that even if they aren’t taken, dancing with a girl that has it all hanging out can be distracting when they are trying to lead you through ten different moves and protect you from the dancers around them. This isn’t something I would have anticipated myself but I have had a lead complain about this before about some of the follows. The idea ladies is to be classy and sexy! Try to focus on having a balanced look. If you are showing more skin up top, cover your legs, if you’re showing those beautiful legs of yours tonight, then cover up the girls. Also, please please please if you’ve decided to wear a dress, wear underwear. Nothing flashes new easy dancer like a girl wearing a dress, flashing the audience.

3. You smell/sweat

Dancing is a physically strenuous activity. It’s super fun!! But it does require some endurance and muscle strength and with all of the movement required during dancing; it’s not surprising that smelling good and sweating too much can be a problem on the dance floor. There have been plenty of leads I’ve avoided like the plague because I can see their sweat dripping off as they walk towards me. But I’ve also heard guys complaining that girls hair will get so sweaty that when it whips around it can slap them in the face and instantly cover them in their head sweat!!! EWWWW!! If this is you, no doubt you’re struggling to get asked to dance! But this is an easy fix. Do a sweat check every few songs. Check your back for puddles, change shirts or stand by the fan and do a quick spritz of perfume/cologne. Your dance partners will appreciate it!

4. Body language/Attitude

This might just be me, but in my opinion this is the most annoying one to overcome. I’m guilty of RBF, crossing my arms, pouting in corners and getting jealous like everyone else but nothing scares off  a lead like a bad attitude. I’m not saying that you must always have a smile on and always be in an upbeat mood. By all means, if you need to fret in the corner for a couple of hours, then do it! There is nothing wrong with having negative emotions. However, if you’re glaring judgmentally at every person smiling on the dance floor, don’t be surprised when no one asks you to dance. If you want someone to ask you to dance, then SMILE and send out a positive and encouraging vibe and you will definitely get asked to dance more often. Always say thank you for the dance and maybe even tell them that you had so much fun, that you’d love for them to ask you later! Now even though you might not be someone that they know, they won’t be as shy about asking you to dance a second time.

5. Skill Level

This one may or may not cut straight through to your ego but if you aren’t getting asked to dance as often as you’d like to by the better dancers then you probably aren’t as good of a dancer as you think you are.

In both the country dance world and the west coast swing dance world, better dancers get asked to dance more often. It’s just how it is. So if you want to dance with a better dancer than your current skill level, you are just going to have to ask them. And most of them are super cool and unless they are exhausted will usually say yes! But also keep in mind that if your skill level is way below theirs, then you are work for them. So if they say no or they only dance one song and then immediately dance with someone else for the next three songs, don’t take it personally. And also don’t feel bad or shy about asking them to dance. You are an investment dance! What do I mean by this? You may not be on the same level as them right now but if you’re working everyday on your skills, if you’re taking lessons and watching videos of yourself and doing everything you can to improve, guess what?! You will improve! Therefore a better dancer invests in other dancers and the community by dancing with other dancers so that we all continue to grow  together. This is the my favorite part of dance, the part where we get to continually improve and work on our skills together. If you aren’t being asked as often as you’d like by higher level dancers, then invest in your own dance by taking group classes, private lessons or signing up for one of the many virtual lessons online.

6. You’re strong arming your partner

This is hands down the number one reason I will avoid or say no to a lead at a social. (Apart from being exhausted) I would rather dance with a super new dancer. Someone that pulls me through sugar pushes and right side passes for five minutes straight then someone who thinks they know all of these fancy moves and is actually about to rip my arms out of their sockets.

Of course the ability to be an effective lead without being too strong and an effective follow without being too strong is a skill by itself. It can be really difficult for leads to understand the confusing requests of “Lead me” but “not too rough!!” It can be the same for follows when we are told “just follow me” but “give me some resistance too!!” Trust me, I’m still figuring it out. But to both follows and leads, you’re just going to have to be open to and ask for feedback about the connection you are giving. Regularly check in with how hard you are leading or following. (If it feels like you are jerking them around like a ball on a string, you probably are.) And if your lead or follow says that you are being a little rough don’t take it personally, just ease off a bit and relax. Whoever you are dancing with, you want them to be comfortable so that they come back!

If someone tells you that you are following or leading a bit too strong and you argue with them and shoot them down, they aren’t going to be very eager to dance with you the next time that they see you.

7. Numbers of leads and follows

This one is unfortunately a simple numbers game. Let’s say only 10 leads and 30 follows show up to this evening’s social. If every lead doesn’t stop dancing even for one song; you still will only get to dance every third song! And leads aren’t machines. They get tired! Resign yourself to every fifth or sixth song and be happy that you get to dance at all because some nights will be like this! Learn to be happy watching and cheering your friends on. And if you ask a lead to dance because you’ve been sitting for four songs and he’s been dancing for five don’t be surprised when he breathlessly begs for a break or a gulp of water. It’s not personal. HE’S TIRED!! On nights when there happens to be way more leads than follows, you will be happy when they offer you the same grace.

I created this list as a guide to create a more honest conversation about why we aren’t getting asked to dance as often as we’d like. I could be completely wrong about all of them. Not to mention the culture around the dance community is always changing and evolving so these seven things could be completely archaic in just a year. So take the advice I gave above and ask yourself if any may apply to you, if you aren’t sure then take steps to correct them and see if you get asked to dance more often!

As always, thank you for reading! Send me a message if you would like to discuss farther!